The Answer

I wish I knew how to get an answer to the question: "When will we have a baby?"

I'm not above buying a cheezy Magic 8 ball if someone tells me that it will do the trick. I'm completely ready to see a psychic, have my tarot cards read, get my star chart completed, anything.

The uncertainty is killing me. I just long for someone (or something) to tell me, "You will have a boy in October 2008. You will adopt him." Or any type of information like that. I guess I don't even really need to know the method by which we'll attain this new family member, but it would be helpful so I can stop futiley* barking up the wrong trees.

More immediately, I wish I knew the answer to what's going to happen at Wednesday's scan. I genuinely hope it isn't like the last miscarriage where it dragged on for weeks...

Scan #1: "Sorry, everything is too small and too slow, it's not going to make it. Come back for another scan in 5 days."

Scan #2, 5 days later: "Wait! There's a heartbeat! But, sorry, it's too slow. Probably not going to make it. Come back for another scan in 5 days."

Scan #3, 5 days later: "Hmmm, there's still a heartbeat, but it's still too slow and now it's irregular. Come back for another scan in 5 days."

Scan #4, 5 days later: "Sorry, the heartbeat is gone. When would you like to schedule the D&C?"

I had the sense all along during that pregnancy that it was doomed. However, that didn't make the reality of the excruciating waiting any easier to take.

I had very high hopes for this pregnancy, I really, really thought this was The One. It's looking pretty dismal, but I promise you that I'm not giving up hope yet. I'm too cried-out to cry anymore, so now I'm just sort of numb, waiting for Wednesday's news.

I can't thank you guys enough for the outpouring of support. So, so many of you have emailed me separately to offer wonderful things: food, chocolate, hugs, a visit, etc. I truly do feel loved and I have you to thank for it.

I apologize for not responding to any of those emails yet, I will. It's just that right now I've got nothing useful to say so it's best not to be said.

Sort of like when my boss (you remember her -- the 40 year old with high FSH who got pregnant from her first IUI) went ON and ON and ON and ON a few weeks ago about how great and amazing it was to see the heartbeat on the screen, blinking away so fast and so strong. I should have just nodded and walked away, but instead I muttered something about how the last two times I went to the doctor to see a heartbeat, all I saw was a dead baby. See, that's not very useful, so it's best left unsaid.

I know that I'm supposed to trust in God that He has a plan and that I am exactly where I am meant to be. But, and I hate to say this for fear of Him smiting me any further, but I think His plan SUCKS. Why does it have to include so much pain, so much misery, so much anxiety, so much bitterness, so much disappointment, so much self-loathing, so much heartbreak?

I have literally half a dozen other posts rattling around in my head, so I'll try to get them out soon since they all require input from you wonderful creatures in the IF blogsphere. Thank you a thousand times over for reading, listening, understanding and supporting.

* "Futiley" is a stupid sounding word, so I looked it up. It does exist, and this is actually how it's spelled. I've learned something new today, perhaps I should go home and call it a day.

Confession

I am a scanwhore. I will score an ultrasound wherever and whenever I can.

I kept this way on the down low, but I got an sonogram on Monday afternoon. I was so excited by the 4,000+ beta that I was DYING to know if it was twins or not. This is one of the benefits of working at a hospital -- you can cruise on over to the Center for Advanced Fetal Care and get a scan. Nice.

Seeing as how I was only 5w1d at the time, I really only expected to see a sac (or sacs) with maybe a yolk sac or something.

We saw a sac -- just one. But it was blindingly empty. And the sac only measured 4w5d.

I tried not to freak out since it was still so early, but Dr. Google didn't help much in my efforts to keep my sanity. I slowly went insane over the next couple of days, cursing myself for getting that stupid scan in the first place. If I did a search on "blighted ovum" one more time, I was going to go cross-eyed.

Finally, yesterday, I emailed my nurse and confessed my clandestine scan and my subsequent freak out. She and the RE both decided that while it wasn't a BIG deal, they were concerned -- mostly because of my past history of killing off every embryo that dares enter the Ute of Death.

The RE told me to come in on Monday because he'd be there and wanted to be present for the scan. That sounded like a great plan to me. Except that I couldn't sleep a wink last night. Mostly, I spent it crying. It wasn't much fun. In addition to the raging hormones coursing through my body, I've also got a head full of tragic scenarios.

To make a long story short, I emailed my nurse this morning and said I was on the verge of a breakdown. They let me come in this morning, even though my RE wasn't in the office.

The news isn't great. I am so bummed.

The sac is at least measuring a little better -- I am 5w5d and the gestational sac measured 6w. There was finally a yolk sac but it's very small and there was no sign of anything else. No fetal pole, no embryo, nothing. At 5w5d they should definitely see a fetal pole and are usually able to see an embryo, often with a heartbeat already.

Fuck me. I go back for my regularly scheduled sonogram on Wednesday to see what's going on. The phrase I think they used was "low probability of viability." I got the speech about how they've seen crazier things happen, and that every baby grows at a different speed, but it was clear that we all expect this to end badly.

Perhaps because I cried so much last night, I haven't cried once today. I think I've already moved past it. I was a damn idiot for thinking it would actually work out for us this time anyway.

I can't thank Erin and Rho enough who have helped me through this week. Erin has had the (mis)fortune of knowing every, single little nitty gritty detail as it unfolded. She's a kick ass support system and I would definitely be checked into the looney bin by now if not for her.

Of course now I need to figure out how to do my job without speaking to (or laying eyes on) either my boss or my closest co-worker for the next 8 months...

The Soul-Sucking Pit of Hell

The good news is that Kevin is going to be in town all next week so we can keep our sonogram appointment on Wednesday. Wahoo! I knew I didn't cancel it for a reason...

The bad news it that he'll be in town because of some major changes in his job. He was informed today that he has until the end of October to find another job. He is welcome to look within the company (although I suspect there was some snickering in the background when this was said), but was also encouraged to look outside the company.

Um, okay. So I guess we'll be enjoying a job change for the Breadwinner in our house sometime next month, eh?

This is really bittersweet. I used to work where Kevin works now (we actually met there), but I escaped 5 years ago. I can honestly say that at many times over the 8+ years that Kevin has worked there, it's been The Worst Job on Earth. I can tell you with complete certainty that it was HELL ON EARTH when I worked there. I could tell you horror stories, but let's just say my own exit happened rapidly after the following exchange took place with my Evil Boss:

Evil Boss: "Leah, what do you think it will take for you to get ahead at this company?"

Leah: "I think I would need to grow a penis."

No shit, I really said that. It was a horrible place to work and I've never been so happy as I was to leave and basically tell them to kiss my ass. They were so scared to death that I was going to sue them for the way they treated me that when I quit, they gave me an executive-level severance package (which was fitting because I was the CIO at the time, even if it was a huge joke) which allowed us to buy the townhouse we used to live in.

But I digress...

Kevin needs to leave that soul-sucking pit of Hell. So now he will look for another job in earnest with the hopes of finding something before the holidays roll around and no one feels like hiring. Sounds fun and stress free, no?

Seeing as how we just spent our entire emergency cash fund on IVF and remodeling our kitchen, we will be in trouble if he loses his job without having another. Therefore, look for our bake sales, car washes and yard sales coming your way soon!!

P.S. - I forgot to mention how happy I am that I don't have to make the decision about whether to go to the sonogram next week without Kevin or not. Particularly since so many of you agreed with me that you just wouldn't be able to wait!! Thank you for all the support. :-)

Beta #3

Did you hear my sigh of relief all the way across the globe? Today's beta is looking good:

4,044 (22dpo)

That's a doubling time of 40 hours.

They scheduled my sonogram for Wednesday of next week (10/3) but Kevin is going to be out of town until Friday. I am so anxious to see what's going on in there that I truly, truly want to go without him, but I guess I should wait. Grrrr.

Immediately following today's call from my nurse, another co-worker (and very good friend) told me she was pregnant. She was scared shitless to tell me, which of course makes me feel like a giant heel. She's one of those amazing breeder types who said, "Hey, let's have a baby." Then she stopped taking birth control, had sex with her husband, and got pregnant on the very first try. No shit, it actually happens. (And this is the 2nd time -- she's got a 2 year old son at home.) She's just over 4 weeks so it's very early but I'm grateful she shared with me so I don't blather around making assinine comments.

I'm in my blissfully protective bubble of doubling betas right now, so it didn't send me into hysterics like it normally would. But rest assured that if my pregnancy goes South and I am faced with the prospect of watching my boss and my co-worker be pregnant and deliver within weeks of my due date, I will quit. I love this job with all of my heart, but I will take a leave of absence or quit or something. I do not have the mental fortitude to do it again.

So, yet ANOTHER reason why this must work out. It simply MUST. WORK. OUT.

Farah - Updated

Sunday Update: Because the Gods of IF are cruel sometimes, Farah didn't get the BFP she was hoping for this month. Please head over and offer some support as she embarks on IUI #2.
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Saturday:
Before you go to bed tonight, please head over and wish Farah good luck when she pees on a stick tomorrow morning. Most of you probably already know her since she's one of the nicest and most supportive bloggers out there. Typically, she's among the first to offer a warm, thoughtful comment -- on my blog as well as almost all the blogs that I read!

If my calculations are correct, I think she'll be 13dpo after her first IUI and she's brimming with hope. I'll say an extra prayer tonight that she gets good news.

Still good

Whew. I was calm, cool and collected about today's beta until about an hour ago. Then I broke into a cold sweat! Luckily my angst was unfounded because the number looks good.

1,198 (19dpo)

The nurse said anything over 880 would have been good, so they are happy with this number. It's a doubling time of 40.61 hours. I also asked about the possibility of there being more than one in there and she said probably not. She said stranger things have happened -- they've seen singletons with higher numbers and twins with lower numbers -- but she's assuming there is one.

Here's what BabyMed has to say:

So I can now go enjoy my weekend in (temporary) peace. Next beta is Monday morning. All prayers, wishes, chicken dances, and any such juju is appreciated!

All Good

The number is in and it is . . .

528 (17dpo)

Wahoo! Last time, at 18dpo it was 302. I'm not sure if that means I should be scared or not. I must go do my Dr. Google / Betabase / BabyMed research and figure out if I'm in the singleton range or not.

But, for now, all I can say is WHEW! Next beta will be Friday. Please keep your prayers coming and your fingers crossed until then.