I seriously need to post more. Previously, I was blaming my need to go to sleep at 9pm. Now, I've realized it has as much to do with the fact that I am so freakin' busy at work I don't even have time to eat or pee, much less keep up on my blogging. I'm seriously struggling to get my head above water on reading and commenting. Actually writing posts seems like such a luxury right now. And all because those bastards are making me WORK for my money.
On to better topics...
For weeks, I have been meaning to encourage you to go buy one of JJ's holiday CDs. This woman has a voice like an angel. I'm not just saying it because she's one of my favorite blog buddies, and someone I've had the supreme pleasuring of meeting IRL. She is genuinely talented and you will. not. go. wrong. if you buy one of her CDs. I have the Phoenix Mix CD that she made for the Braces Bunch gals, wherein she sings 2 tracks. Then I brow-beat her into sending me her own CD that has not left my car since the moment I opened it. I listen to it each and every day. JJ -- you would die if you heard Megan singing your songs, it's the cutest thing. She does routinely ask me to turn it off so she can hear her nerve-grating Dora CD, but I typically refuse if I haven't had my JJ fix for the day. :-) So.... GO. NOW. Buy one of her CDs. You will kick yourself if you don't.
I have lots more to say on various other topics, but the one that's stuck in my brain right now is how scared I am. I'm scared shitless that something is going to go wrong with this baby. I've started feeling him move (SO weird to call it a "him") and am starting to show. I've managed to avoid wearing maternity clothes -- at least at work -- and still haven't told too many people. But it is just so REAL. I was doing a decent job of sort of pretending like it wasn't such a big deal, and didn't talk about it too much.
But we just got back from Kevin's parents' house where we celebrated an early Christmas with his family. Don't get me wrong, we had a wonderful time. I'm truly blessed to have married into a family that I love so much (especially my MIL, if you can believe that). But our baby was a topic of conversion quite a lot. For some reason, it made me uncomfortable. I think I was uncomfortable with their confidence that we were actually going to end up with a live, take-home baby in May. I so desperately want to believe that this is true, but I'm scared. Just so scared.
I think I was the most freaked out when my MIL told me that my FIL crawled into bed last night and whispered to her, "Next year, I get to buy a fire truck!" You see, he has 3 granddaughters. He loves them desperately, is a very hands-on Grandpa, and will play Bar.bies or Polly.Pockets until the cows come home. But he was giddy like a little kid at the prospect of buying a fire truck for his grandson. Nevermind that this theoretical grandson would only be 7 months old next Christmas, that doesn't seem to matter too much to my FIL. Which is extra cute since he's usually so practical.
His family (Mom, Dad, 2 brothers and their wives) were all so happy, so excited, so confident. They must have hugged us and congratulated us half a dozen times. I know they mean it too since Kevin's younger brother & wife have 2 girls, but endured a heartbreaking miscarriage at 14 weeks between their two daughters. And Kevin's older brother & wife struggled for years to have children, but simply couldn't go on after a few failed IUIs. Now they invest all of their time and energy into their dogs. The whole family has supported us through all of our ups and downs to reach this miracle pregnancy and we are lucky for that. Their enthusiasm is genuine, and it takes my breath away.
But it still scares me to death. And it makes me sad. Why can't I be as happy as them? Why must I caveat all baby-related statements with "assuming all goes well" or "God willing"? These are rhetorical questions, we all know the deep layers of pain within that keep me from enjoying such blissful, carefree, innocent enthusiasm. We still haven't told Megan about the baby because I can't face the prospect of having to un-explain it.
I have vowed -- to myself and to Kevin -- that I will start telling people freely after our appointment on Christmas Eve. I need to know that all of the organs are there, that the systems are working properly, and that my body is doing what I so desperately pray every day it should do (successfully grow a baby and keep it in there). If we get the all-clear from that scan, then I think I'll be able to have a little more faith that this just might work out. Don't get me wrong, I would never be so cavalier or glib as to expect that something catastrophic couldn't still jump up and snatch it all away. But I think that I'll at least be able to accept it as a real possibility. That we might actually have a baby. After all these years, all these shots, all this money, all this heartache, all this praying. A baby. Man oh man, what a miracle and a blessing that would be.
My last thought is about my friend C. You might remember her from this post. Her amnio is tomorrow. She won't get the results for 8 - 10 days, but please keep her in your thoughts and prayers as she makes it through the procedure.
For anyone that noticed, the title of this post is "Hot Chocolate." There is absolutely no reason why. I just couldn't come up with a good title due to the varied nature of all the thoughts within, so I decided to simply pick something that I enjoy (yum!) and was eye-catching. I could have entitled it "Hot Sweaty Sex" but at this point I have absolutely no idea what that is. Poor me. Poor Kevin. Someday I'm sure we'll get our sex life back. In the meantime, I think I'll go make us some hot chocolate.