Tuesday, March 17, 2009

100% sad about the 27%

Total number of people in Braces Bunch (1st generation, 2nd generation, rotated off): 62

Those who have given birth and are not pregnant now: 24
Those who have given birth and are pregnant again (all without ART): 4
Those who are currently pregnant: 11
Those who adopted and are not pregnant now: 2
Those who adopted and are pregnant now: 1
Those who are still trying: 17
Those who are not trying: 2
Those who are unknown (pw protected blogs that I can't access): 2

Of the 62 women, 27% are still trying. 68% of these women have realized their dream of having children. While I should be dancing in the streets at that stat (especially because -- HELLO -- I'm one of them), I'm torn to pieces about the 27% still trying. Why? Why? It's just so unfair.

I've been thrown into a tailspin by my friend Rho's latest disappointment. IVF #6 was unsuccessful. I cheerily tried to point out that since this was the first time with donor sperm, it should really count as #1 again. But I couldn't pretend like that is true when I know what her body, her heart, and her ovaries have been through during those first 5 tries.

She is incredibly angry, and I can't blame her. She says she feels "stupid" and removed her blog entirely because she couldn't bear to look so "stupid." While you and I both know she is anything but stupid for working so hard to have a child, it doesn't help her right now. It is a crying shame when someone as wonderful as her is crushed by this bastard called IF.

This will be a the top of the list when I get to the Pearly Gates. In the meantime, I will continue to pray for any and all of my sisters in the trenches.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Don't Kiss the Nanny!

I bet you dollars to donuts that no one even reads this blog anymore. I'm not entirely sure why I still have it since I don't write up here. Ever. I suck.

I honestly feel like all of the interesting stuff I have left to say is communicated through comments to other folks. I've noticed a disturbing trend -- the less I blog, the longer my comments are for other people. I left a comment on JJ's blog the other day that was about as long as the last Harry.Potter book. It was truly in the category of Stupid Long.

Many times, I've thought about shutting the blog down entirely. But I still get too many hits on DHEA, miscarriage, IVF, secondary IF, and my pee stick pictures that I guess I'll leave it up. There's really no point in making some giant declaration about how I'm Not Going To Post Anymore because, um, hello? That's sort of self-evident.

I've even tried to tell myself that I'm not going to read and comment on other blogs. Hahahahaaaa, I simply can't do that. I opened up my bloglines in the hopes of trimming some of the 70+ links out so that I can get down to the basics. Guess how many blogs I dropped? Three. And only because they have closed down shop. I am entirely too invested in your struggles, joys, tragedies and triumphs to stop reading now. Especially because so many people supported me through my years of Hell, I don't feel that I've given back what I got yet.

Speaking of closing down shop, I was just about to delete the feed for Mary Ellen and Steve's blog when -- SHAZAM! She posted. And she's pregnant. WAHOO! So I'm glad I didn't do my Winter pruning before I got that update.

Anyway, I'll follow the current trend of ticking off a few bullets about what's new:

- Back in mid-February I started answering the interview questions that E sent to me. It rapidly degenerated into some insanely long post wherein I blathered on and on about completely random shit that wasn't even remotely connected to the topic. Therefore, until it gets edited a bit, I'll hold off on publishing it.

- I'd like to send up a giant FUCK YOU to the IF universe for (what seems like) a BFN for my friend Rho's 6th IVF (this time with DS). I mean, seriously? Why does this have to be so shitty?

- Daylight Savings Time is stupid. I can't believe that I'm going to lose another hour's sleep.

- Remember NannyGate 08? Well, the woman that we hired turned out to be a mean, conniving, rude old bat. She screwed us over, essentially milked us out of a couple hundred dollars, and left us stranded. The icing on the cake is that she never said goodbye to Megan, so my daughter is pretty confused and still seems to think the old bitch is coming back. It's VERY hard to be even remotely pleasant when discussing the witch, but I'm trying to be a good person and not let Megan see any of that. Meanwhile, I wrote the lying hag such a nasty letter that it made my eyes burn to read it. I felt great after that. Of course I realized that it wouldn't be in anyone's best interest to actually send said letter, so I edited it a bit and will be sending that version out sometime this week. Don't you worry your pretty little heads, though, it's still plenty scathing.

- We hired a new nanny and she ROCKS. I heart her so much I practically want to kiss her square on the mouth when she shows up each day. Although that would most likely have essentially the opposite effect of what I'm trying to accomplish (gratitude vs. creepiness).

- I got to see LJs gorgeous, amazing little boy. It was absolutely blissful -- snuggling that warm, wonderful, delightful smelling little guy was just heaven. I'm so happy for her I could burst. She's got about half a dozen blogs at this point, and despite the fact that I read them all, I have no idea if/where I should link for her.

- Work is kicking my ass. Because of all the nanny drama, and all of the extra duties related to this new role I took on, I feel like I'm on a treadmill and can't ever get caught up. That doesn't seem to be stopping me from typing this nice, meaty post (meaty in terms of word volume, not substance).

- Thank you to everyone who participated in the group gift for JJ. We got her lots of good stuff and it's been wonderful to finally get some information about little Oliver. Now if I could only get my ass in gear and finish the baby gift I started almost 2 months ago!! Good grief, at this rate the kid is going to be in college before I send it. Although it's lovely, it's not exactly college dorm room decor so I need to hop to it. (Like that Easter Bunny reference? I'm soooooo witty.)

- I have to imagine that you've all heard by now that Bean is on hospital bedrest. Things seem to be going well, but hop on over and entertain/distract her if you have some time.

- American Idol. If you haven't seen last night's show, don't read this. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK were they thinking bringing that stupid, obnoxious, batshit crazy asshole Tatiana back for the wildcard show? Honest to Pete, that was outrageously dumb. If she happens to make it into the top 12 [shudder], I will refuse to watch one single second of the show again until she is voted off. Viciously.

- Liam and Megan have been sick. Megan has had two ear infections for over 3 weeks now. We are on our 2nd round of antibiotics and I think it is finally starting to improve a little. Liam has had such a terrible cold that he needed to use the nebulizer in the doctor's office earlier this week. I've never seen such a sad, heart-wrenching sight with one of my kids. I know it's small potatoes compared to what many of you have been through (babies with serious medical problems, children who have had surgery, any NICU stay at all, etc.), but seeing his beautiful little face all scrunched up under that sterile, ugly mask just broke my heart. Not that I haven't already been sympathetic, but it gave me an even deeper appreciation for the stress and hurt that Shelby has been going through to get Seth's breathing issues addressed.

- I love craigslist. I have bought and sold a bunch of shit up here in the past 6 months. It's just truly magical to me. I'm about to list an assload of stuff to see if I can get rid of it before selling it at the consignment sale I do twice a year. I hope to made wads and wads of cash. Wahoo!

- I am a fat ass. I started a Biggest.Loser competition here at work. Astoundingly, 18 people signed up. It's been fun so far. I simultaneously started the Carbohydrate.Addict's Diet and have managed to shed about 4 pounds in the first week. Wish me luck!

- I'm excited about weaning Liam. I let my production falter quite a bit (sick and tired of pumping), and worked through almost all of my frozen stash. At Liam's 9 month appointment, I explained that we were going to start supplementing and asked what formula she recommended. I was shocked when she told me to go ahead and start him on cow's milk. So we did, and he loves it. Luckily, he still likes breastmilk too. Now the poor guy goes back and forth between nursing, bottles of breastmilk, and bottles of cow's milk. But he never skips a beat, we are lucky.

- In other holy-shit-my-baby-is-growing-up news, Liam is crawling (although mostly on his stomach), cruising, eating almost exclusively table food, saying "da da" (no "ma ma" yet), and has 6 teeth. He never, ever, ever, under any circumstances wants to SIT DOWN (unless you've accidentally left a TV or cable remote control, a microscopic Polly Pocket shoe, or some other blatent safety/choking hazard on the floor), and demands to walk holding on to your hands all around the house. Around and around and around and around. It's back-breaking but still fun. He's still sleeping fairly shitty and has decided that 30 minute naps during the day are super cool. But he's a great kid and was worth every dollar and minute of agony to have him.

Yup, I think that's it. I'm sure there's more useless stuff I could prattle on about, but surely your patience is waning. And, just in case you weren't listening the first time, FUCK YOU IF universe. You can suck it.