Sunday, August 31, 2008

More pics

I guess I've opened up the floodgates because now I want to post more pictures. :-)

We had pictures taken at the mall yesterday. I scanned in some of them because I'm into breaking the law. Then, I'm so lame that I took a picture of some framed pictures. A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Here is a trilogy of the whole gaggle of dorks:

And here are a couple of the kids:

I honestly got misty when I saw the family photo. All my life I dreamed of taking a family photo. Of course I imagined myself considerably thinner, but I'm working on it. I just cannot believe that I am the person in that picture of the happy family with 2 kids. I've avoided writing the post about how EVERY SINGLE DAY I feel like I've won the freakin' lottery. Each time I try to write, it disintegrates into a sniveling, rambling mush of gobbledygook. So I probably won't be writing it.

But suffice it to say that the level of bliss and the feeling of gratitude I'm enjoying lately is beyond comprehension. Don't get me wrong -- Liam isn't sleeping for jack shit and Megan is so obnoxious sometimes that I told her yesterday she was going to win the Most Annoying Person Ever award. Nice thing to say to your 4 year old, eh? But even with the daily trials and tribulations, I never, ever, ever, ever take for granted one moment of the day. I'm lucky beyond the luckiest lucky sap ever created.

Enough gushing. Thank you a zillion times over for supporting me on this journey. 'Nuff said.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

I love you more than old pee

I swore I wasn't going to plaster pictures of my children all over a blog that is supposed to be about IF. But I'm weak. I can't resist. Hell, I'm so deranged that I'm planning to post a video I took of Liam, that's how bad I am now.

I genuinely enjoy looking at other bloggers' kid pictures, even did while still trying to TTC. Plus, I have about a dozen pictures of pee sticks in various posts, so how can I not at least have equal amounts of my kids without sending the message that they are less important than dried urine?

If you don't want to see them, I understand. Otherwise, scroll down...
Here is one of the little dude smiling away

Here Kevin was reading them a book

Pay no attention to the drool on his shirt

Friday, August 15, 2008

IF Tourette's

I'm still just in awe of the post I mentioned in my last entry. So right on the money. Wow.

It insipired Sky to post her feelings on the subject. She is a saint of a woman. She is still able to be genuinely happy for other pregnant people (non-stirrup queens). It's like she's from another planet or something, that's how much I don't understand how she is able to do it.

I am not a saint of a woman. No way, shape, or form. After I left a comment on her blog about the post, I realized it contained some of the stuff I'd been wanting to talk about here. So, since I am spectacularly lazy, I'm just going to copy my comment verbatim...

"You are a far, far better woman than I. For I am bitter and jealous and all things nasty. I wish I wasn't, but I am. Although I usually hide it well because most people never know.

However, I do audibly snort in disgust when a woman complains about not getting pregnant on the first or second try. I guess that's not so subtle, huh?

Also, I am ultra sensitive to the notion that someone within earshot might be experiencing IF that I don't know about. Therefore, when some dumbass says to me, "Wow, a boy and a girl... you sure are lucky" or "Hey, you had the whole summer off for maternity leave, you sure planned that right", I go crazy. It's like I've got IF Tourette's Syndrome because I start mouthing off like a lawn sprinkler on crack saying, "It takes us a long time, a lot of work, and a lot of money to make babies. We endured 4 IUIs, 3 IVFs and 2 miscarriages to get where we are. While I do feel lucky now, I didn't in the past and I certainly wasn't able to plan jack shit. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, dickwad."

Hmmmm, perhaps I don't actually hide it all that well after all, eh?

I truly hope that your IF journey ends soon, that you get the baby(ies) you so desire. In the meantime, I hope you are able to hold on to your positive attitude and ability to genuinely be happy for others. I'm too jaded and evil at this point to do it. Sad, but true."

Luckily I know I'm not a horrid person with a hard, black heart. These are my feelings based on my current circumstances (and previous 5 years of infertility). I distinctly remember my uber-fertile neighbor telling me once that I wasn't horrible. I was complaining that I was that person -- the one you need to tiptoe around, the one you are afraid to announce a pregnancy to, the emotionally fragile one. That's icky, I don't want to be that person. Anyway, she said, "You aren't THAT person, you're just in THAT situation right now."

Her comment helped me immensely. It didn't make me any nicer to the fertiles in the world, but it sure made my cold, black little heart feel a bit better that day.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

I Heart Bridges

How in the heck did I miss this post? Good grief, I want to have it tatooed on myself somewhere.

The fact that I now have 2 healthy children stops me from doing such a radical thing because, well, I would feel pretty hypocritical. But it is, nonetheless, exactly how I felt during our IF journey. Hell, it's how I still feel when I see a confident, carefree, glowing pregnant chick. After I'm done spitting nails at them and giving them the EvilEye, I want to read the post to them verbatim.

By the way, I found this post by hopping around on Bridges and just reading random posts that seemed interesting. If you haven't gone to Bridges yet, you really should.

As for me, things are good. I started back to work today. That was a serious drag. I love my job, and I love my co-workers even more, but I wish I was home with my kids. Oh well, not gonna happen (unless we'd like to be homeless) so I need to hitch up my panties and get going.

I have 4 different posts started but none of them finished. Maybe now that I'm back at work, I'll have more time to post. That sounds awful, but damn if it isn't the truth... Also, I'll post some pictures soon. Megan's 4th bday is in about a week and Liam is a few days away from 3 months. I feel so blessed it truly makes me cry sometimes. I'm such a sap.

Please head over and give Rho some love. My heart is breaking for her.