IF Tourette's

I'm still just in awe of the post I mentioned in my last entry. So right on the money. Wow.

It insipired Sky to post her feelings on the subject. She is a saint of a woman. She is still able to be genuinely happy for other pregnant people (non-stirrup queens). It's like she's from another planet or something, that's how much I don't understand how she is able to do it.

I am not a saint of a woman. No way, shape, or form. After I left a comment on her blog about the post, I realized it contained some of the stuff I'd been wanting to talk about here. So, since I am spectacularly lazy, I'm just going to copy my comment verbatim...

"You are a far, far better woman than I. For I am bitter and jealous and all things nasty. I wish I wasn't, but I am. Although I usually hide it well because most people never know.

However, I do audibly snort in disgust when a woman complains about not getting pregnant on the first or second try. I guess that's not so subtle, huh?

Also, I am ultra sensitive to the notion that someone within earshot might be experiencing IF that I don't know about. Therefore, when some dumbass says to me, "Wow, a boy and a girl... you sure are lucky" or "Hey, you had the whole summer off for maternity leave, you sure planned that right", I go crazy. It's like I've got IF Tourette's Syndrome because I start mouthing off like a lawn sprinkler on crack saying, "It takes us a long time, a lot of work, and a lot of money to make babies. We endured 4 IUIs, 3 IVFs and 2 miscarriages to get where we are. While I do feel lucky now, I didn't in the past and I certainly wasn't able to plan jack shit. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, dickwad."

Hmmmm, perhaps I don't actually hide it all that well after all, eh?

I truly hope that your IF journey ends soon, that you get the baby(ies) you so desire. In the meantime, I hope you are able to hold on to your positive attitude and ability to genuinely be happy for others. I'm too jaded and evil at this point to do it. Sad, but true."

Luckily I know I'm not a horrid person with a hard, black heart. These are my feelings based on my current circumstances (and previous 5 years of infertility). I distinctly remember my uber-fertile neighbor telling me once that I wasn't horrible. I was complaining that I was that person -- the one you need to tiptoe around, the one you are afraid to announce a pregnancy to, the emotionally fragile one. That's icky, I don't want to be that person. Anyway, she said, "You aren't THAT person, you're just in THAT situation right now."

Her comment helped me immensely. It didn't make me any nicer to the fertiles in the world, but it sure made my cold, black little heart feel a bit better that day.