Friday, August 15, 2008

IF Tourette's

I'm still just in awe of the post I mentioned in my last entry. So right on the money. Wow.

It insipired Sky to post her feelings on the subject. She is a saint of a woman. She is still able to be genuinely happy for other pregnant people (non-stirrup queens). It's like she's from another planet or something, that's how much I don't understand how she is able to do it.

I am not a saint of a woman. No way, shape, or form. After I left a comment on her blog about the post, I realized it contained some of the stuff I'd been wanting to talk about here. So, since I am spectacularly lazy, I'm just going to copy my comment verbatim...

"You are a far, far better woman than I. For I am bitter and jealous and all things nasty. I wish I wasn't, but I am. Although I usually hide it well because most people never know.

However, I do audibly snort in disgust when a woman complains about not getting pregnant on the first or second try. I guess that's not so subtle, huh?

Also, I am ultra sensitive to the notion that someone within earshot might be experiencing IF that I don't know about. Therefore, when some dumbass says to me, "Wow, a boy and a girl... you sure are lucky" or "Hey, you had the whole summer off for maternity leave, you sure planned that right", I go crazy. It's like I've got IF Tourette's Syndrome because I start mouthing off like a lawn sprinkler on crack saying, "It takes us a long time, a lot of work, and a lot of money to make babies. We endured 4 IUIs, 3 IVFs and 2 miscarriages to get where we are. While I do feel lucky now, I didn't in the past and I certainly wasn't able to plan jack shit. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, dickwad."

Hmmmm, perhaps I don't actually hide it all that well after all, eh?

I truly hope that your IF journey ends soon, that you get the baby(ies) you so desire. In the meantime, I hope you are able to hold on to your positive attitude and ability to genuinely be happy for others. I'm too jaded and evil at this point to do it. Sad, but true."

Luckily I know I'm not a horrid person with a hard, black heart. These are my feelings based on my current circumstances (and previous 5 years of infertility). I distinctly remember my uber-fertile neighbor telling me once that I wasn't horrible. I was complaining that I was that person -- the one you need to tiptoe around, the one you are afraid to announce a pregnancy to, the emotionally fragile one. That's icky, I don't want to be that person. Anyway, she said, "You aren't THAT person, you're just in THAT situation right now."

Her comment helped me immensely. It didn't make me any nicer to the fertiles in the world, but it sure made my cold, black little heart feel a bit better that day.


Sky said...

I posted the below comment on my blog back to you - so here's a copy/paste, 'cause I'm even lazier than you think you are!

Leah, you crack me up girl! I just love you, your honesty and your sardonic wit! In so many ways, we just think alike!

Listen, if by this time next year I'm not pregnant, I may spit nails at women with anything resembling a baby bump. I can picture it now - giving dirty looks to the 83 year old lady in line behind me whose abs are shot. Too damned close to a pregnancy look for my liking - old hag's gonna say they're her eggs too! :)

Oh, it's crazy, I know.

I have a dozen BAD traits but so far, THANK GOODNESS, envy hasn't made the cut. I sort of just think that it's clear to me that even if every other woman in the world couldn't get pregnant, it wouldn't help or hurt my chances in the least. And even if Angelina Jolie dumped Brad Pitt in my foyer tomorrow morning, he still wouldn't marry me.

So it seems pointless to envy what I don't have from someone who has it when their having it or not having it doesn't affect me having it in the least.

Hee Hee - if you could follow my crazy logic, you'd be nuttier than me!

My posts are chock full of my less desirable attributes - so I'm gonna be grateful for this "good" one - or at least, this one doesn't bring me problems.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I am going to write an original comment because I'm not lazy like Leah and Sky...


I don't know what to say. The pressure.

I don't think of you as a bitter person at all, but more realistic whereas others may flit around you in the happy ether. I think of you as grounded more than bitter.

Portia P said...

If you're bitter or twisted then so am I.

I think it would take a saint to be anything but after all the s**t we've been through.

I can't manage genuine happiness for those who conceive easily. I wish I could but there you are. I hold up my hand as a mean, old bee-atch.

Perhaps I should try and pretend to be a saint just a few months longer - i need all the good karma I can get!


Christy said...

I love, love, love your honesty! And you never fail to crack me up. Good luck being back to work.

Mr & Mrs Mask said...

I'm with you Leah. Always have been, always will be, I don't see a pregnancy ever changing the way IF makes me feel :-)

Shelby said...

Leah, you just rock. Really. You always crack me up. I hear your envy too- one of my best friends was talking (while holding her 8 week old) about how she already thought she was pregnant again because she hasn't been doing anything to prevent, and she was soo relieved when she wasn't. I almost smacked her. Definitely have some hatred there too. You're not the only one.

Kami said...

Leah, I am right there with you. I was in a babiesRus the other day and I hated being in there - even though I was picking up something for LB. I hated the stuff, I hated seeing babies and I hated seeing pg bumps. I need a t-shirt: "I'm bitter and proud of it!" Ok, maybe not proud. I really wish I wasn't.

passingwindows said...

From one little black heart to a another: I loved this post. This is the reason I read infertility blogs. And I am thinking of printing your neighbour's comment out and sticking it up in my bathroom cabinet. It's just now, it's not necessarily me (or you, or any of us).

hopeful to hateful in 28 days said...

IF tourettes!!! I love it!!! I am the SAME way! I think some people are very private witht heir IF and others are like 'well if you REALLY want to know'. I am the latter -whether people really want to know or not.