Monday, June 22, 2009

Way, way, way TMI

On this, The Eve of my Surgery, I'm feeling fine. As long as I eat only lettuce and air. What follows for the rest of this post is a lot of talk about poop and whatnot so if you aren't into that sort of thing, then go ahead and click over to TLC so you can read that -- shocker! -- Jon.and.Kate are getting divorced. Gasp! Whoda thunk? Anyway...

Since discovering my Gallbladder Issues, I've had to severely restrict my dietary intake of fat. Therefore, I ate 2 cans of fat free Pringles over vacation and I am here to tell you that it will go down in history as one of the Worst Ideas Ever. Initially, I just started shitting orange oil every time I took a dump. Crazy, Halloween-colored orange stuff. And not a little bit of it. A LOT of it. For days.

Sadly, I just took it in stride. Sort of like, "Wow, check THAT out. I'm shitting orange grease. Huh." Such is the life of a chick with jacked up insides. You endure a lot of crazy stuff below the belt without getting too alarmed.

Then, last night, my insides decided to evict themselves in a truly violent manner. I seriously could have shown up for a colonoscopy this morning with complete confidence that I was dead empty from the waist down. It was one of those lay-down-on-the-bathroom-floor-sweating-and-writhing-around episodes. Good times. The pain was so intense that I finally got to practice those neato breathing exercises I learned for labor. You know, since I never actually made it to the part of labor where you push. I just opted for the slice-me-open method. But I digress.

This morning, I ate nothing. Absolutely nothing. Didn't even drink water when I brushed my fuzzy, orange, oily teeth because I was afraid of the Mt. Vesuvius possibilities. Yet, somehow this agitated my gallbladder. Stupid, stupid gallbladder. So I took 2 of my last 3 vicodin and prayed for the best.

Everything stayed quiet for the rest of the day. Right now, I'm staying up until 11:59 so that I can shove every fat free item in the house down my gullet since I'm not allowed to eat after midnight. And my surgery isn't until 12:50pm tomorrow afternoon. That's just cruel, I tell you. The nurse cheerily explained that I could swish water around in my mouth during the day but that I better damn well not swallow it. (Anyone else picturing Michael Scott murmuring, "That's what she said"?)

This time tomorrow I will be gallbladder-free and, presumably, pain-free. Well, there will be the pain from surgery recovery but I bet it will be a cakewalk compared to gallstones. If not, you guys will be the first to hear about it. I'll be bitchin' and swearin' like Courtney.Love with PMS.

Now, if you'll excuse me, some fat free pudding with fat free cool whip is calling my name!

11 comments:

Stacie said...

Yikes. I have heard from others just how painful gallbladder issues are. You poor thing! I do hope that everything goes smoothly tomorrow and you are pain free asap. Hugs.

(I have to admit I chuckled the tiniest bit throughout your post. Being funny through all the pain is amazing!)

LJ said...

Hmmm. Wear your skinny jeans into the hospital today? Ugh, sounds like quite the blowout...

Delenn said...

Wishing you good luck on the eviction of your GallBladder! Sounds like a fun ride so far! (I think I will try to skip this experience!)

[Hugs]

Shelby said...

Aah, the memories. Thanks for that.

One slight thing- don't be totally shocked if the pain doesn't disappear RIGHT away. I ended up having one stone stuck in the duct and it passed about a week after the surgery. When I was sitting in Organic Chem. Not much fun.

Thinking of you today! Good luck!

Artblog said...

Hope it goes swimmingly and I wish you a speedy recovery after :) xxx

finding_ac said...

i remember the pain from gallbladder...it was terrible...but having the surgery (as i hoped would cure me) didnt do much of anything other than reducing the feeling of a knife up my gut...good luck!

♥ ac

Fertilized said...

Oh, the things our body does to revolt against us!

I also have to admit that I also may have laughed *just a tiny bit* a few times. WIshing you Well and a speedy Recovery!

My Reality said...

I hope all has gone well.

I also had problems after my gallbladder surgery with stones, so don't be too surprised. I won't tell you all the hell I went through, but suffice it to say, if you have questions about anything that comes up, feel free to email me.

Meghan said...

Hope it went well and your pain free (and eating something deliciously fatty)

Jendeis said...

Ew, ew, ew. Hope that you are feeling somewhat better today. I've heard that the day after the surgery is the worst, but that it will slowly improve after that.

Just wanted to let you know that I gave you an award on my blog. http://sellcrazysomeplaceelse.blogspot.com/2009/06/honest-scrap.html

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm LATE, but I hope the surgery went well and you are healing nicely!