Monday, October 1, 2007

The Answer

I wish I knew how to get an answer to the question: "When will we have a baby?"

I'm not above buying a cheezy Magic 8 ball if someone tells me that it will do the trick. I'm completely ready to see a psychic, have my tarot cards read, get my star chart completed, anything.

The uncertainty is killing me. I just long for someone (or something) to tell me, "You will have a boy in October 2008. You will adopt him." Or any type of information like that. I guess I don't even really need to know the method by which we'll attain this new family member, but it would be helpful so I can stop futiley* barking up the wrong trees.

More immediately, I wish I knew the answer to what's going to happen at Wednesday's scan. I genuinely hope it isn't like the last miscarriage where it dragged on for weeks...

Scan #1: "Sorry, everything is too small and too slow, it's not going to make it. Come back for another scan in 5 days."

Scan #2, 5 days later: "Wait! There's a heartbeat! But, sorry, it's too slow. Probably not going to make it. Come back for another scan in 5 days."

Scan #3, 5 days later: "Hmmm, there's still a heartbeat, but it's still too slow and now it's irregular. Come back for another scan in 5 days."

Scan #4, 5 days later: "Sorry, the heartbeat is gone. When would you like to schedule the D&C?"

I had the sense all along during that pregnancy that it was doomed. However, that didn't make the reality of the excruciating waiting any easier to take.

I had very high hopes for this pregnancy, I really, really thought this was The One. It's looking pretty dismal, but I promise you that I'm not giving up hope yet. I'm too cried-out to cry anymore, so now I'm just sort of numb, waiting for Wednesday's news.

I can't thank you guys enough for the outpouring of support. So, so many of you have emailed me separately to offer wonderful things: food, chocolate, hugs, a visit, etc. I truly do feel loved and I have you to thank for it.

I apologize for not responding to any of those emails yet, I will. It's just that right now I've got nothing useful to say so it's best not to be said.

Sort of like when my boss (you remember her -- the 40 year old with high FSH who got pregnant from her first IUI) went ON and ON and ON and ON a few weeks ago about how great and amazing it was to see the heartbeat on the screen, blinking away so fast and so strong. I should have just nodded and walked away, but instead I muttered something about how the last two times I went to the doctor to see a heartbeat, all I saw was a dead baby. See, that's not very useful, so it's best left unsaid.

I know that I'm supposed to trust in God that He has a plan and that I am exactly where I am meant to be. But, and I hate to say this for fear of Him smiting me any further, but I think His plan SUCKS. Why does it have to include so much pain, so much misery, so much anxiety, so much bitterness, so much disappointment, so much self-loathing, so much heartbreak?

I have literally half a dozen other posts rattling around in my head, so I'll try to get them out soon since they all require input from you wonderful creatures in the IF blogsphere. Thank you a thousand times over for reading, listening, understanding and supporting.

* "Futiley" is a stupid sounding word, so I looked it up. It does exist, and this is actually how it's spelled. I've learned something new today, perhaps I should go home and call it a day.

31 comments:

Fertilize Me said...

wishing, hoping and praying for you

Samantha said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, sweetie. I wish I could provide you with good answers.

Artblog said...

I'm sick with sadness for you :( NOT FAIR! HUGS and more HUGS XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Kate said...

I'm so very sorry.

dmarie said...

If you're not giving up hope, then neither am I. Holding on for Wednesday! Don't worry about returning emails. Just know that you are being thought of :)

Egged Out said...

I am thinking of you during this time and hoping for good news on Wed.

I'm with you on wishing someone would just tell me when and how the happy ending to this story will take place. If it's adoption in two years, great. It it's a baby via ivf in 9 months, fantastic. If it's a miracle baby 5 years from now (when I'm 46), OK. I'll take it and I'll be patient and I'll be happy but just let me know so I can quit anquishing over everything. It's like when I met my husband at age 36. If someone had told me at age 25 that I would meet the perfect guy, than I would have skipped all the other heartache and just waited patiently for him to show up (I might have had some fun in the meanwhile but I wouldn't have anquished over the "others" as I would have known that eventually, it would work out...)

Anyway, sorry for the digression but I get your sentiment. And I'm praying for you.

Take care, Egged

Kami said...

I loved your advice on my blog. I laughed out loud. If I knew a BFN meant a BFN and not a "not a BFP yet" I would be testing. We will see.

I am crossing everything for you for Wednesday. I hope that, if it is not to be, it doesn't get dragged out. I had one of those too and it is not pretty.

Waiting Amy said...

Still here, whenever you need us.

I know very much what you mean about wishing to have an answer. This is exactly how I feel about our final cycle. If I could just know now, it would be so much easier.

I don't think I really believe in a God who makes plans. If there is an all-powerful planner, he needs to be fired, and replaced with a woman.

Kristen said...

"Why does it have to include so much pain, so much misery, so much anxiety, so much bitterness, so much disappointment, so much self-loathing, so much heartbreak?"

I could have totally written this. I am so sorry you have to go through this AGAIN. I am praying and hoping and wishing with all my might that this will NOT have the same outcome. I am sending lots of hugs your way and if there is anything I can do, please let me know. I am thinking of you sweetie. XOXO

Sunny Jenny said...

I can definitely identify with the wanting to know when. I feel as if I only knew when I will finally hold my baby, all these BFN, injections, and procedures will mean nothing.

I am so sorry you're going through this - to have it and then to loose it - unbearable.

Grad3 said...

I have been thinking about you a lot and just hoping that you find some peace. Perhaps Wednesday will bring some unexpected joy... holding out with you until you get your magic answer.

PS- I have done the Magic 8 Ball several times over the past two years, it's not as helpful as you might think ;) I would often get 'Ask again later'

In and Out of Luck said...

I am so sorry. More and more I feel like God's "plan" is a sick joke. I don't want to feel like that because I'm comforted by the idea of a plan, but I am 100% with you on that sentiment.

My Reality said...

I wish I could answer the question for you and so many of us out here.

I am sorry you are stuck in the limbo hell and wishing you the best for Wednesday.

Cibele said...

wishing, hoping and praying for a miracle... HUGS

LJ said...

Ok, so my willing for the BFP. Maybe it helped, maybe it's all bunk, but know I'm doing the same thing for you now. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

Baby Step said...

Hang on until Wednesday. Thinking as many positive thoughts as I can possibly think.

Mrs. Piggy said...

Im with you on wanting the crystal ball. If someone would just tell me IVF will never work, and id end up adopting, great. I just want ANSWERS. I hate the unknown of my future being a mom. It sucks.
I'm stil holding out hope for you, I really am.

Von said...

None of us deserve this shit to happen to us. I ask that of the man upstairs on a regular basis.
Having been through a couple of miscarriages myself, I know exactly where you are coming from.
It's just so bloody, bloody awful for you. I am so so sorry.
Look after yourself.

Pamela Jeanne said...

Just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you...

Meghan said...

Sorry you are stuck waiting like this. It just sucks. Thinking lots of good thoughts for you, if only we could all will it

Kim said...

I agree, sometimes it's really hard to trust God during this. Just trust yourself. If you want to be a mother, someday, some way, you will. Maybe it won't be 'conventional', who knows... but it can still happen. In the end, if you end up with a child to love, it really won't matter how it happened or what you had to go through, you'll just love them.

I'm thinking so many good thoughts for you.. you have everyone ounce of hope that I have to give. If you won't give up, then neither will I.

Tam said...

I think we all hope for that answer, every single day we just want to know when, I am fine with waiting, just tell me when so I don't have to go through the heartache anymore. We all feel your pain sweetie, I wish that there was something that I could say that could take it all away.

I am still hoping and praying for a good outcome to all this.

Lots of hugs and love Leah xxx

TeamWinks said...

Damn my keyboard is soaked. I'm serious. I'm so upset for you, no, with you. I just want to go over there with you and throw a huge temper tantrum, eat a half gallon of ice cream, and try to find a way to make this better. **sigh** If only there was that magic eight ball.

Imogen and David said...

I'm sorry it has taken me so long to comment. Your news had me in shock and I just couldn't find the right words inbetween the tears. I am holding out that Wednesday shows that this is The One just off to a slow start. If not I really hope that it doesn't drag out xoxo

Gabby said...

Leah...your in my thoughts for tomorrow... I am keeping you in my prayers.

butterflyanla said...

Hugs, still hoping and praying for you and your family

Katie said...

Oh, sweetheart. I know. The Big Guy and I are not on the greatest of terms sometimes. Sometimes, it just sucks to wait this out. I feel the same way about the timeline thing. Like if I just KNEW that I was going to be a mom and WHEN that would happen, then I would just buckle down and buck up and survive the ride, no matter how rocky. But the hardest part for me is that in the very deepest pit of my stomach, I have this awful feeling that it is never going to happen. I am so sorry for you, this is just not fair. I am sending you hugs and thoughts and everything else.

Hez said...

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow, wishing good things.

Tam said...

Good luck today, thinking of you.

Hugs xxx

Kami said...

I'm thinking of you today Leah. I am hoping with everything I've got that your baby will be doing well.

Kristen said...

I'm thinking of you today. XOXO