Friday, September 28, 2007

Confession

I am a scanwhore. I will score an ultrasound wherever and whenever I can.

I kept this way on the down low, but I got an sonogram on Monday afternoon. I was so excited by the 4,000+ beta that I was DYING to know if it was twins or not. This is one of the benefits of working at a hospital -- you can cruise on over to the Center for Advanced Fetal Care and get a scan. Nice.

Seeing as how I was only 5w1d at the time, I really only expected to see a sac (or sacs) with maybe a yolk sac or something.

We saw a sac -- just one. But it was blindingly empty. And the sac only measured 4w5d.

I tried not to freak out since it was still so early, but Dr. Google didn't help much in my efforts to keep my sanity. I slowly went insane over the next couple of days, cursing myself for getting that stupid scan in the first place. If I did a search on "blighted ovum" one more time, I was going to go cross-eyed.

Finally, yesterday, I emailed my nurse and confessed my clandestine scan and my subsequent freak out. She and the RE both decided that while it wasn't a BIG deal, they were concerned -- mostly because of my past history of killing off every embryo that dares enter the Ute of Death.

The RE told me to come in on Monday because he'd be there and wanted to be present for the scan. That sounded like a great plan to me. Except that I couldn't sleep a wink last night. Mostly, I spent it crying. It wasn't much fun. In addition to the raging hormones coursing through my body, I've also got a head full of tragic scenarios.

To make a long story short, I emailed my nurse this morning and said I was on the verge of a breakdown. They let me come in this morning, even though my RE wasn't in the office.

The news isn't great. I am so bummed.

The sac is at least measuring a little better -- I am 5w5d and the gestational sac measured 6w. There was finally a yolk sac but it's very small and there was no sign of anything else. No fetal pole, no embryo, nothing. At 5w5d they should definitely see a fetal pole and are usually able to see an embryo, often with a heartbeat already.

Fuck me. I go back for my regularly scheduled sonogram on Wednesday to see what's going on. The phrase I think they used was "low probability of viability." I got the speech about how they've seen crazier things happen, and that every baby grows at a different speed, but it was clear that we all expect this to end badly.

Perhaps because I cried so much last night, I haven't cried once today. I think I've already moved past it. I was a damn idiot for thinking it would actually work out for us this time anyway.

I can't thank Erin and Rho enough who have helped me through this week. Erin has had the (mis)fortune of knowing every, single little nitty gritty detail as it unfolded. She's a kick ass support system and I would definitely be checked into the looney bin by now if not for her.

Of course now I need to figure out how to do my job without speaking to (or laying eyes on) either my boss or my closest co-worker for the next 8 months...

63 comments:

Bean said...

I'm so sorry. I'd love to discover the magic words that would make you feel better, but I know they don't exist. All I can say is that I've been there and I'm so so so sorry that you are in this place right now.

Shelby said...

I'm so, so sorry. This really sucks!

sltbee69 said...

i've been following your blog for a while now remaining mostly silent. i'm such a lurker. however, i just wanted to say how sorry i am to be reading this. i pray that some miracle occurs and you just have a slow grower there. my heart breaks for you.

LJ said...

I am so sorry Leah. I'm here if you need anything.

Kim said...

I'm so sorry, Leah. There aren't any words.

Rho said...

I am not sure what to say other than I hated every minute of reading this entry. Perhaps it's my naivete, but I am remaining optimistic and I plan to for you, Kevin and Megan until we hear more next Wednesday.

Shelli said...

I am so very sorry. I am hoping that this will turn around for you.

JJ said...

Leah, there just arent enough curse words for me to use about how upset I am for you....I am no use to you being back in NC, but I wish I could come sit and just be there for you.
I will STILL hold onto hope that things could take an upward swing. You are in my thoughts...please let me know what I can do.
Many hugs...

Samantha said...

I'm so sorry things are not looking positive. I will be really hoping next week's scan will show things have turned around, but I know you must feel very grim right now.

I'll be thinking of you.

Fertilize Me said...

Oh Leah, I am so sorry that your brain and body have to endure this kind of situation. I am glad that you have been able to have a support system through this whole thing. I wish there was something better to say other than I'm sorry

Kate said...

I'm thinking about you....

butterflyanla said...

I am in shock. I don't have any magic words of wisdom to share. I am so sorry that this is happing to you. I wish I could send you a hug. I am holding out hope that things will start to turn on the up side. Virtual hugs.

dmarie said...

Aww Leah--I'm so very sorry. You're not an idiot. You're in my thoughts.

Gabby said...

Leah, I am so sorry. I hope this is just one of those crazy situations and everything will be well next week. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hez said...

I'm sorry, Leah. I'm thinking about you.

Carrie said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I hope you are the one that it all turns out ok for. I know this period is complete hell. I'm thinking of you.

Sunny said...

NO NO NO NO!!! This can't be happening! You were my hope for good things. I will still pray for a miracle. I will still hold your hope. I am not giving up hope for you and this little one yet!

HUGS!

Chris said...

Oh I'm just so sorry to hear this! However, I am going to continue to hold out lots of hope for you and send a few prayers your way.

Rebecca said...

Oh sweetheart, I'm so so so so sorry. *Hugs tight*

Waiting Amy said...

Leah, I have no brilliant words. I am so incredibly sorry that you are going through this. Even though we have never met, I wish I could be there to hold your hand, offer tissues, make you coffee, buy you chocolate -- anything to distract you just a tiny bit.

I am sending you, Kevin and Meghan all my strongest thoughts and love. Hoping you have a upturn in events.
(((HUGS))) and more (((HUGS)))

Amanda said...

I am so sorry.

I am holding onto hope for you!!!

Delenn said...

Damn! I am so sorry! Life is so unfair.

mchope said...

I'm so sorry. I am sending prayers and good thoughts your way for the scan on Wednesday to show exactly what you want to see. Until then I wish you peace. It's not fair that you have to go through this. Take care.

lub said...

I am praying for you.

Von said...

Christ, I am so so sorry to read your latest post. Stranger things have happenend with scans so hang in there until Wed.
The little one might just be playing hard to get.
Thinking of you.

Egged Out said...

I was so sorry to read your post. Sucks! I don't know what else to say but this sucks and you are in my thoughts. take care.

My Reality said...

Fuck. This so isn't the news I was hoping to hear. It isn't over and this little one could just be a slow starter. My fingers are crossed and so are my toes.

Perhaps this calls for ornament smashing? Brilliant idea, by the way.

tipsymarie said...

Oh, I am so sorry. This is one hell of a roller coaster.

Baby Step said...

Leah - I am so, so, so sorry that you have to go through this. I have no words...hang in there until Wednesday , things may turn around. I will be thinking of you.

Kristen said...

Oh no, Leah. I really hope this turns out differently than everyone thinks. I am hoping with all my might for you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this state of uncertainty right now. I'm sending lots of love your way. XOXO

Kami said...

Oh god, Leah. I'm so sorry. I saw this post earlier in my google reader, but figured everything was going along nicely so was going to put it off until this weekend. I haven't haven't read the comment you left on my blog - I came right over after "It is looking more and more like DE"

I am so sorry. I know it can still work out, but I have been there and don't blame you for not having hope. May you beat the odds yet.

Be gentle with yourself. I am thinking about you.

Frenchie said...

Leah, I have been lurking on your site for a while--and I just wanted to say how EXTREMELY sorry I am to read this post. I have been there and there aren't any words any one can say that can make it any better. But, I am hoping that you get some better news next week.

Frenchie said...
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buggsmommy said...

If I knew what to say, I'd say it. I'm hoping and praying for you.

Susan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Susan said...

I'm so sorry. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

Lea Bee said...

i am so so sorry leah. praying for you just to have a lazy embryo.

said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.
That sucks.

Tam said...

I am so very sorry sweetie, shit man, I can't believe this, as if you haven't been through enough. I am still hoping and praying that this turns out the way we all want it to. Wish I was there to give you a big hug.

Thinking of you xxx

Caro said...

I'm so sorry

Katarina Jelly Beana said...

I'm so sorry. I will pray for you.

TeamWinks said...

Shit. There just aren't the right words to type here for the pit I have in my stomach for you. I guess all I can do is sit tight until Wednesday (an important day for both of us.) I'm here, email any time.

Sue said...

I'm so sorry Leah. My thoughts are with you as you endure this agonizing wait.

Grad3 said...

Damn... hun I wish this weren't a possibility for you. Thoughts are with you. ~Hugs~

Kim said...

I'm so sorry, Leah. It's just not fair. I'm praying for you.

Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

Thinking of you and praying for a miracle

kati said...

Leah, I am so sorry you've been transported into early pregnancy hell. What a shitty place to be. I am so sorry.

chicklet said...

Oh my god, I am so so sorry you're going through this. I hope it turns around and somehow saves you from this crap but ugh, gawd.

In and Out of Luck said...

Oh, God. Leah, I am so sorry. I'm praying for it to turn around. As you know I just went through a bad outcome and if it ends up that you need or want to talk or want me to come over, e-mail me your phone number (zumabuild@yahoo.com, I'll check it.)

Katie said...

This can happen, and things can still turn out well. I know it's tough and I will be praying for you and your family.

OrchidLover said...

Hi, I just stumbled upon your blog. I'm so sorry to hear about your scan, and hope that it might just be a slow start or something and things will improve. But I know how you feel, unfortunately. And I'm really sorry for how you must feel.

Changing Expectations said...

Leah, I am so sorry. If you need anything at all please let me know.

Barb said...

Lots and lots of hugs and well wishes for you. I'm sorry. :(

Drowned Girl said...

I'm sorry to disagree, but a yolk sac is the marker for the embryo. A heartbeat is possible from 6+2, and often seen before the fetal pole.

I'm not giving up hope for you yet!


http://www.harcourt-international.com/meire/Vol3Chap7.pdf

http://www.sogc.org/guidelines/public/161E-CPG-June2005.pdf

http://radiology.creighton.edu/pregnancy.htm



xx

passingwindows said...

I'm so sorry, what a frightening week this has been for you, I wish you could have seen something different on the screen. I'm thinking of you.

Portia P said...

No, Leah, no. This can't happen to you! You're my poster girl!

I'm so very sorry and I hope that the next scan brings some positive news. This is all so f-ing unfair!

Sunny Jenny said...

I am so sorry.

Alexa said...

I am just catching up on my blog reading, and am KICKING myself for not seeing this earlier.
First of all, I am so, so terribly sorry. I have been where you are and it sucks, and I know nothing I say will make it suck less.
I will say, however, that my 5w5d ultrasound showed two sacs with yolk sacs and only one fetal pole, and as you know both went on to develop heartbeats. I have done a LOT of googling this pregnancy, and all you need to see at this point is a yolk sac, which you have. So I am not giving up yet.
It still sucks, though, I know.

Nearlydawn said...

Hey - it isn't over yet! My US was showing nothing at 5 1/2 wks too, but by 7 wks (they made me wait a long time for the 2nd US) there was a heartbeat. Thought you'd want to know...

Meghan said...

That just sucks! Sorry you had such a crappy week. I'm crossing my fingers for good news this week

seussgirl said...

Oh, Leah -
My heart is breaking for you.
There are no words; I am so so sorry....

Susan said...

I hope you are doing alright. Sending lots of hugs and healing thoughts your way.

Kami said...

I'm just checking in to see how you are doing. I am thinking about you and hoping for a miracle on Wednesday.