Confession

I am a scanwhore. I will score an ultrasound wherever and whenever I can.

I kept this way on the down low, but I got an sonogram on Monday afternoon. I was so excited by the 4,000+ beta that I was DYING to know if it was twins or not. This is one of the benefits of working at a hospital -- you can cruise on over to the Center for Advanced Fetal Care and get a scan. Nice.

Seeing as how I was only 5w1d at the time, I really only expected to see a sac (or sacs) with maybe a yolk sac or something.

We saw a sac -- just one. But it was blindingly empty. And the sac only measured 4w5d.

I tried not to freak out since it was still so early, but Dr. Google didn't help much in my efforts to keep my sanity. I slowly went insane over the next couple of days, cursing myself for getting that stupid scan in the first place. If I did a search on "blighted ovum" one more time, I was going to go cross-eyed.

Finally, yesterday, I emailed my nurse and confessed my clandestine scan and my subsequent freak out. She and the RE both decided that while it wasn't a BIG deal, they were concerned -- mostly because of my past history of killing off every embryo that dares enter the Ute of Death.

The RE told me to come in on Monday because he'd be there and wanted to be present for the scan. That sounded like a great plan to me. Except that I couldn't sleep a wink last night. Mostly, I spent it crying. It wasn't much fun. In addition to the raging hormones coursing through my body, I've also got a head full of tragic scenarios.

To make a long story short, I emailed my nurse this morning and said I was on the verge of a breakdown. They let me come in this morning, even though my RE wasn't in the office.

The news isn't great. I am so bummed.

The sac is at least measuring a little better -- I am 5w5d and the gestational sac measured 6w. There was finally a yolk sac but it's very small and there was no sign of anything else. No fetal pole, no embryo, nothing. At 5w5d they should definitely see a fetal pole and are usually able to see an embryo, often with a heartbeat already.

Fuck me. I go back for my regularly scheduled sonogram on Wednesday to see what's going on. The phrase I think they used was "low probability of viability." I got the speech about how they've seen crazier things happen, and that every baby grows at a different speed, but it was clear that we all expect this to end badly.

Perhaps because I cried so much last night, I haven't cried once today. I think I've already moved past it. I was a damn idiot for thinking it would actually work out for us this time anyway.

I can't thank Erin and Rho enough who have helped me through this week. Erin has had the (mis)fortune of knowing every, single little nitty gritty detail as it unfolded. She's a kick ass support system and I would definitely be checked into the looney bin by now if not for her.

Of course now I need to figure out how to do my job without speaking to (or laying eyes on) either my boss or my closest co-worker for the next 8 months...