Choose Hope

So, Leah, how is the 2WW going? Usually, I'd say, "Fine, just fine. Thanks ever so much for asking!" Then I'd go off into a corner to review the donor egg paperwork again, resigned to the impending doom of next week's POAS adventure.

However, this time around, I just decided to say “Fuck it.” I’m going to be hopeful. I have always been the type of person that sets their expectations low. That way, I’m never disappointed. Either it doesn’t work out and it was what I expected anyway. Or it does work out and I get to be pleasantly surprised.

But I’ve learned that it doesn’t really happen that way.

It turns out that while I’m busy preparing for the worst, keeping optimism in check and dwelling on my low expectations, I must have let a little Hope seep through. At the time, I don’t feel like that is what’s happening, but when the world comes crashing down (cancelled cycle, BFN, miscarriage, etc.), it still hurts like hell. So obviously I’ve let myself get my hopes up.

Let’s review the options:

1. Be hopeful and then get disappointed when it doesn’t work out

2. Be pessimistic and then get disappointed when it doesn’t work out

Hmmmmm. I’m a college-educated woman so the similarity of the outcomes doesn’t escape me. The chief difference seems to be how I am CHOOSING to spend the time prior to the disappointment. Heck, I could get really crazy here and assume, just for shits and giggles, that there isn’t a disappointment at the end of the road. Yeah, but I’m not ready to go there quite yet.

I hate to harp on any one thing, but I can’t stop thinking about some advice that Mel gave to LJ. It really resonated with me and has caused a subtle shift in my attitude. The advice was basically, “Celebrate whenever you can. Even if it’s short-lived.” Well, damnit, she’s right! Being the realist (read: pessimist) that I am, I’m essentially robbing myself of happiness.

Let’s expand further on the above options:

1. Be hopeful, spend lots of time wishing and dreaming and fantasizing about a new baby in our lives and just generally have a happy outlook during the 2WW, then get disappointed when it doesn’t work out

2. Be pessimistic, spend lots of time fretting and worrying and being convinced that it isn’t working and just generally have a shitty outlook during the 2WW, then get disappointed when it doesn’t work out

I can choose to spend the 2WW dreaming of baby names and midnight feedings. I can choose to spend the 2WW calculating my due date and planning how to tell our families the big news. I can choose to spend the 2WW wondering if MORE than one will stick.

Or I can choose to spend the 2WW being a giant ball of stress, nerves and bitchiness.

I’ve made my decision. I’m going to choose Hope. It may not work, but I’m certainly going to give it a try. Wish me luck.