Saturday, September 8, 2007

Choose Hope

So, Leah, how is the 2WW going? Usually, I'd say, "Fine, just fine. Thanks ever so much for asking!" Then I'd go off into a corner to review the donor egg paperwork again, resigned to the impending doom of next week's POAS adventure.

However, this time around, I just decided to say “Fuck it.” I’m going to be hopeful. I have always been the type of person that sets their expectations low. That way, I’m never disappointed. Either it doesn’t work out and it was what I expected anyway. Or it does work out and I get to be pleasantly surprised.

But I’ve learned that it doesn’t really happen that way.

It turns out that while I’m busy preparing for the worst, keeping optimism in check and dwelling on my low expectations, I must have let a little Hope seep through. At the time, I don’t feel like that is what’s happening, but when the world comes crashing down (cancelled cycle, BFN, miscarriage, etc.), it still hurts like hell. So obviously I’ve let myself get my hopes up.

Let’s review the options:

1. Be hopeful and then get disappointed when it doesn’t work out

2. Be pessimistic and then get disappointed when it doesn’t work out

Hmmmmm. I’m a college-educated woman so the similarity of the outcomes doesn’t escape me. The chief difference seems to be how I am CHOOSING to spend the time prior to the disappointment. Heck, I could get really crazy here and assume, just for shits and giggles, that there isn’t a disappointment at the end of the road. Yeah, but I’m not ready to go there quite yet.

I hate to harp on any one thing, but I can’t stop thinking about some advice that Mel gave to LJ. It really resonated with me and has caused a subtle shift in my attitude. The advice was basically, “Celebrate whenever you can. Even if it’s short-lived.” Well, damnit, she’s right! Being the realist (read: pessimist) that I am, I’m essentially robbing myself of happiness.

Let’s expand further on the above options:

1. Be hopeful, spend lots of time wishing and dreaming and fantasizing about a new baby in our lives and just generally have a happy outlook during the 2WW, then get disappointed when it doesn’t work out

2. Be pessimistic, spend lots of time fretting and worrying and being convinced that it isn’t working and just generally have a shitty outlook during the 2WW, then get disappointed when it doesn’t work out

I can choose to spend the 2WW dreaming of baby names and midnight feedings. I can choose to spend the 2WW calculating my due date and planning how to tell our families the big news. I can choose to spend the 2WW wondering if MORE than one will stick.

Or I can choose to spend the 2WW being a giant ball of stress, nerves and bitchiness.

I’ve made my decision. I’m going to choose Hope. It may not work, but I’m certainly going to give it a try. Wish me luck.


Karen said...

I'm all for choosing hope. Being pessimistic doesn't make it hurt less in the long run. Enjoy this time now.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you nothing but celebrations ahead!

Shelby said...

I really applaud your optimism! Hope is such a powerful thing, and it really helps make the 2ww go by just that little bit faster. It gets you more invested, but it's such an expensive, time consuming, roller coaster of a process, I think it deservs some hope at the end. I really, realy, really hope that this is the cycle for you!! I'm thinking about you constantly.

LJ said...

Choosing hope is definitely better. It's easier to say than do, but it does make sense. The outcome it our of our hands, so why dread what we can't control.

I'm so excited and nervous right along with you. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help distract you.

Anonymous said...

I am glad you are choosing hope. This cycle is different. And it has been different in a good way, so that in itself give plenty of reason to hope.

Waiting Amy said...

Oh honey I am so happy for you that you are going to try it this way! I'm hoping for you that it helps AND that it is with a great outcome.

I'm nervous and excited for you too, and like LJ said -- let me know if I can help you be distracted in anyway!

(my email is on my profile, it was wrong before if you'd ever tried it, but I fixed it! :)

Amanda said...

I'm wishing you luck! And sending you love and happy thoughts and prayers!

Thank you for the wonderful way you broke down those thought processes. I hope I can remember that for the next 2WW I'm faced with!

Fertilize Me said...

I'm going to use this post as my mantra for tomorrow and the next 2 weeks for me as well. I can to that realization friday night when ans Anon commentor freaked me out. I choose Hope as well. Good riddance pessistism for the next 2 weeks, bring out the party hats AND CAKE

Changing Expectations said...

Optimism wins! I am crossing fingers and toes for you. Many good thoughts and hugs are coming your way.

Erin said...

I'm so glad you went that way! It kind of allows me to do the same. I've been trying for your Option 2 there, but it's definitely not working. At. All.

This part is so fucking brutal. Poor W (absent-minded dude that he is) thought that my beta was THIS Sunday. He asked me last night, "What time is the blood test tomorrow?" He was CRUSHED when I told him we had to wait another week. He's all over Option 1 and has been from the start. I think I'll join him!

Thinking of you all the time! (Not in a creepy, stalkery way, of course...)

butterflyanla said...

I am all about the HOPE. If we didn't have hope then where would we be? So I am right there with ya. I hope this cycle has a positive outcome for you and your family.

Kami said...

Good for you! The one cycle where I was the most hopeful was such a wonderful experience. It think the initial blow of the BFN might have been a bit worse than the others (I was so sure I was pregnant!) but after the first 20 minutes, it was just like all my other disappointments.

I can tell you in hindsight, that the hopeful, happy TWO WEEKS was worth the extra pain for 20 minutes many times over.

Good luck on being hopeful. Best of luck on getting that BFP!

Sunny said...

What a great choice! I hope you get to celebrate REAL BIG!

Meghan said...

I go through the same thought process and usually land on the side of hope. Glad you're there too!

Reproductive Jeans said...

Whoo-rahhh for hope! Only way to go=)

Gabby said...

You go girl! I am wishing you luck. Hope IS the way to go!

Egged Out said...

I'm with you - better to enjoy the hopeful feeling as long as you can - even when I've tried to be pessimistic, the farther I get in to the 2ww, the more hope creeps in - I can't keep her out so I might as well let her as soon as possible and enjoy the feeling. Good luck!

Grad3 said...

Just wanted to say luck to you... Luck! It's always easier to try and not have hope... I think that you are brave in your chocie! May it rub off on me ;)