Monday, February 11, 2008

Freight train or happy ending?

In my last post, I started talking about how I felt simultaneously ready and not ready for Spidey to come along. Here is where I elaborate on it. Once again, this post has nothing whatsoever to do with IF, so if you don't feel like reading a pregnant chick's rambling about preparing for the baby to arrive, then you should skip this one too.

On one hand, I am ready. I mean READY. Totally, completely and utterly ready to be done. Done with babymaking entirely. But also done with being pregnant. It's just not fun. Beyond the physical discomfort, there's the ever-present terror that keeps me convinced Spidey is going to simply die inside there and I won't know until it's too late. I'm ready to meet Spidey, to see what he looks like, to feel him safe in my arms.

But on the other hand, I am truly not ready. I really enjoy having Megan all to myself, not having to juggle attention between children. I enjoy that Megan is basically self-sufficient and can feed, dress, undress, get in/out of the car, walk, talk, and go potty by herself. She more or less sleeps all night and has a great routine going on. I think that I can imagine what a giant change it's going to be to our life as we know it now, but I can't possibly understand what it truly means until Spidey is here.

The room isn't ready, but it could be quickly enough. We moved Megan's crib in there when she graduated to a toddler bed and just never took it out. I need to wash the new bedding, but otherwise it's ready to go. We don't have a dresser/changing table but could either get one or make due without for a while. We've got diapers (handed down to us by our friends who recently had babies), clothes (mostly hand-me-downs which are my favorites), a car seat, a stroller, infant toys, etc.

I always joked about how Megan could have slept in a dresser drawer if she came before we were "ready." But it's true. Newborns really don't need all that much except a place to sleep, a car seat, some clothes and a boob (or bottle/formula). We've got all that and more.

So why do I feel so unprepared? Is it because I fear the horrible, dark, bleak days and nights that we endured with Megan? She was a very difficult baby who did lots of crying, very little sleeping (until 7 months), and was only a moderately successful eater (until 6 weeks when I gave up the SNS and nipple.shield and nearly gave up breastfeeding altogether). However, I was woefully unprepared for how to handle a baby.

Truly, I sucked at it. Normally, I am an incredibly capable, organized, efficient, confident person. But when Megan was a baby, I completely disintegrated. Partially, I think it was the fact that I had some retained placenta which really jacked with my hormones. It is a point of debate whether I truly had post partum depression or it was the retained placenta + lack of any sleep at all whatsoever. Either way, I was a wreck. I felt noticeably better after going on Zol.oft, but still remained a bit of a neurotic mess.

I know I won't be that bad again. For one, I'll go back on Zol.oft around 37 weeks. Also, I won't have the time to sit around and obsess about every little thing like I did with Megan. But still... having a teeny tiny person completely dependent upon me for every little thing is daunting. No routine (at the very beginning), no sleep, and all the other junk that goes along with it is just so not fun. The disgusting bleeding, the c-section recovery, the hospital stay...

But it's all worth it. The bottom line is that -- God willing -- Spidey will be here in 14 weeks and I'd damn sight better get ready. More so emotionally than logistically. So wish me luck, or just go ahead and tell me I'm being a jackass whiner about the whole thing.

If it goes according to plan, my wish will have come true. It may have taken much longer, much more heartache, and much more money than I could have ever imagined, but I will have arrived at my dream . . . a wonderful husband and 2 healthy kids. I can slam the door shut on fertility clinics, BCPs, counting cycle days, daily bloodwork, dildocams, Lu.pron, Gani.relix, stims, retrievals, fertilization reports, embryo growth updates, transfers, 2WWs, betas, heartbeat checks, graduations, nuchal.translucency tests, and on and on . . . you get the point. I will be done. D. O. N. E.

Will this make me a better blogger? Probably not. It will make me boring. But hopefully it will make me a better supporter and commenter since I'll be able to focus more on my friends and less on my own personal drama.

Up until now, I haven't really considered that it might work out. That I would be able to put all of that shit behind me. I will never forget it, the pain and the disappointment and the fear and the crushing sadness of the years of trying and the BFNs and the miscarriages. But I won't have to personally endure it anymore on a daily basis.

It takes my breath away to think of this as a possibility, and it also makes me scared. I don't want to think like this yet, it's still too soon. Way too much could happen and I can't go getting cocky or confident. So instead I feel like I can sort of see the light at the end of the tunnel. As always, I'm hoping it's a signal of resolution, and not just a freight train bearing down on me.


Delenn said...

Most of this post could have been written by me. You put down a lot of the issues I am having about the "second coming". Same issues with the first born, same worries about whether I can weather the first couple months (I was totally blind sided by post partum, and did not get help--this time--I will). About missing the time with just my one and only. About the C-Section, about everything. Great post.

Shelby said...

I'm with delenn. This post is filled with thoughts and feelings that I've been having over the past few weeks/months. I have no idea how things go once this boy arrives, but I'm starting to get a little more confident (and more fearful) as the day gets closer. Thankfully this time I'll be fully aware of my emotions, and will not wait 8 months before going on Zoloft because I was in denial that something wasn't right. I'm definitely going to miss all of the special time I've had with Celia for the last 4 years.

Best of luck with everything! Hopefully Spidey will be a great sleeper, not be too fussy, and that Megan will not be too affected by the changes coming. But who's kidding who? It's going to be a huge change for everyone!

Waiting Amy said...

I'm not even close to done, but I've had some of these feelings too. The upheaval in our schedules, how I will cope with 2 babies, how will I ever sleep again, will I have PPD, how will I recover from a c-section, and on and on.

But I have to believe that its going to be a happy ending for you. The 2nd child is often a better sleeper, and moms are typically more relaxed about things. At least these are things I'm counting on!

Fertilize Me said...

I am still in the wondering phase - is this really going to happen! But I get what you are saying - and wish all the best for you

Lea Bee said...

i sort of can't imagine life past gan.rilex, lu.pron, dildocams etc etc etc. i hear it's nice.

i think a newborn is completely daunting no matter how much you want it with all your heart.

butterflyanla said...

L, I have faith that this pregnancy will work for you. I am not a very religious person. Spidey was the first thing I ever prayed for that actually worked out. After you had the first crummy US and things didn't look so great. I prayed for a long time that Your baby would be great by teh next us and it was! I think that it will all work out in the end. Miracles happen once in awhile. I think you my friend have one such miracle and may it all be smooth cruising from here on out.