Turds, Pumpkins and the Sea

I feel like a turd because I really want to post some pictures that would have thrown my infertile ass into a depression. Or a rage, depending on the day. Pictures of cute kids in costumes and carved pumpkins. My cute kids and the pumpkin that I carved of a Dis.ney Princess.

When I read posts like this one by Pamela Jeanne (and the 3 referenced therein), I am instantly transported back to that time. Back to those feelings of suffocation. Despair and jealously would overtake me and I'd be in a funk (a cute little word to describe my depression) for weeks after the pumpkin patch episode recounted by Luna here. I've had that experience, many years in a row.

But, as I said, apparently I'm a turd. Because I'm so enthralled by the pictures I've taken that I feel as though I'm forgetting my roots. Therefore, I'm going to post the pictures on my Face.book page. Many of you are already friends with me there, but if you aren't let me know so we can get connected.

In the meantime, I'll working on slaying the beast that has set this inner turmoil in motion -- the turmoil that is causing me to toss about in the sea of holiday-induced infertility depression residue mixed with I'm-crazy-about-my-kids-and-want-the-world-to-ooh-and-aah-over-them euphoria.

Wish me luck.

Dear John,

No, I'm not referring to Jendeis' hubby in a dyslexic fashion. I'm talking about the Dear John letters that we've all written. The it's-not-you-it's-me ones, the oops-I'm-in-love-with-your-best-friend ones, the now-that-I've-gotten-to-know-you-it-makes-me-want-to-jam-a-hot-fork-in-my-eye ones. You get the point.

I remember once finding a website that had templates of such letters. You could just fill in the pertinent names and send it off. How convenient! It got me to thinking that there should be a stock of IF posts that we could just copy in certain circumstances instead of having to write them all ourselves from scratch.

Here are the ones that I think I could have used:

1. I just discovered this IF blog world and HOLY SHIT it has changed my life. You all understand me. You all get me. You all ARE me!
2. Why can crack whores and slutty teenagers get pregnant at an alarming rate but I can't do it despite the fact that we've completely drained our bank account and our emotional reserves?
3. My best friend just got pregnant and although I love her with all my heart, I want to rip her stupid fertile eyes out.
4. I'm very happy for all of my bloggy friends who are now pregnant, but forgive me if I can't muster gushing joy.
5. I'm so. damn. tired. I don't know if I can keep doing this. Forgive me, but I need to go away for a while.
6. I am overwhelmed by the love and support I've received from this amazing network of women. We don't even know each other, but that doesn't seem to matter.
7. I'm in the 2ww and am entirely convinced that this didn't work.
8. I'm in the 2ww and am doing the blog equivalent of a stage whisper about how I think it actually worked.
9. POAS? Not POAS? POAS? Not POAS?
10. My beta is low and not doubling. Please tell me it's going to be fine.
11. My beta is high and I'm scared shitless that it might be twins. While that's like the IF equivalent of winning the lottery, the reality of it is freaking me out.
12. I'm pregnant and am completely consumed with worry.
13. I'm pregnant and don't blog anymore because I feel like a giant heel complaining to all of you.
14. I'm pregnant and just went to the bathroom to find blood on my panties/the TP/in the toilet. Please tell me it's going to be fine.
15. My husband/sister/mother/fertile friend doesn't understand how I've gotten so attached to people I'll never meet. Even I don't get it, but I wouldn't trade you angels for the world.
16. I just puked my brains out on a stranger in Tar.get. I've never been so happy in my whole life.
17. Whoever made up the term morning sickness was a raging dickwad. It lasts all day and I feel wretched. But I'm still thrilled to have this problem.
18. I just gave birth and my child is the most amazing creature on Earth. Not to put too much pressure on them or anything, but I think this little human is beginning to heal the Grand Canyon-sized hole in my soul.
19. There is no way I would have made it through these last ## years without the support of you lovely ladies. I heart every last one of you.
20. Now that I'm settling into this Mommy thing, I don't know what to do with this IF blog.

Can you think of more?

P.S. - Has it really been a MONTH since I've posted? What a damn slacker.