Thank you Secret Santa!

Know what I love more than the Braces Bunch? Getting a present from my Secret Santa in the Braces Bunch! Wahoo!!*

Today I got a lovely package from battynurse full of ornaments, peanut brittle, and a kick ass card. These are thoughtful gifts that I truly, truly enjoy. Last year I got an ornament from Becky and I smile every time I look at it on the tree. Now I can do the same with the ones from battynurse.

Despite how shitty IF and the ensuing self-torture it creates is, there is some light in the darkness. It is all of you. Thank you, battynurse. And thank all of the rest of you who read, who care, and especially those of you who supported me while I whined through my last post.

Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to all of you!

* Of course I love JJ most of all. :-)

2,482

Two thousand four hundred and eighty two. That's a big number.

The number of BFNs we endured to make our children? Nope.
The number of injections I endured to make our children? Possibly.
The number of crack whores who get pregnant every day by mistake? Nope.
The number of wasted birth control pills I took over the years? Possibly.
The number of times I've cried over a situation related to IF? Possibly.
The number of times I've laughed out loud at Alexa's blog? Probably.
The number of times I've thanked God and my lucky stars for my children? Possibly.

So what is it?

A portion of number of ounces of breastmilk I've frozen in the last 6 months. Impressive, no? If I'm tallying correctly, I've actually frozen over 2,600 ounces because I've been defrosting and starting to use it over the last 2 months.

But what is with the 2,482? It's the number of ounces of frozen breastmilk that I just threw away. Yes, you read that right. Threw it right the hell away. Shocking, I know.

It seems I make an excess of the enzyme lipase. I wasn't savvy enough to scald my milk prior to freezing it, so it caused my milk to become rancid in the freezer. My reaction to figuring this out? "Well, fuck me." Liam's reaction to being fed the gross milk? "Um, no thanks."

It sucks that I spent that much time pumping. It sucks that I spent that much money on breastmilk bags. It sucks that I was planning to quit breastfeeding this month and now that ain't gonna happen.

Mostly it sucks because breastfeeding was my One Thing. I am a near failure at getting pregnant, I am a near failure at staying pregnant, and I am a near failure at labor & delivery. But I've always puffed my chest up with pride that I am A Cow. I can make some milk. Copious amounts with nearly no effort. Now, that One Thing That I Do Well is tainted.

I understand that breastfeeding challenges and breastmilk supply issues are practically the norm, so I've shied away from discussing them much on this blog because I couldn't live with myself if someone felt I was gloating in any way. But the ceremonial dumping of nearly 20 gallons of milk makes me yearn for some sympathy.

If you'd rather say "screw you and your freakish lactation abilities, Leah" I understand. Otherwise, please just leave a "dang, that sucks" comment so I can feel that proverbial warm hug from my blog buddies. thanks!

In which I make you wildly jealous

What's better than a room full of cookies? A room full of cookies and fellow IF bloggers.

I know I sound like a broken record when I'm always gushing about the TOOTPU gals, but they are just the best. I don't have much time today to go into all the reasons why, so I'll just let you know who you missed...

Bean
Lindsay
Meghan
Mel
Karen
Jendeis
Sunny
Antigone
Shelby
Barren is the New Black
Hopeful Mamma
YummySushiPajamas
In and Out of Luck

Later I'll post a group shot of us. We didn't get one with all 14 of us in it, but I believe there are some with *most* of us. I'll also post a picture of the cookies. Oh, the cookies. I'm up to my eyeballs in cookies and brownies right now. What's a Weight Watchers girl to do?!?!

Unfortunately, my imaginary friend Rho couldn't join us. Heavy sigh... Someday she'll make an honest woman out of me.

To Pee or Not To Pee

I can't stop peeing my own pants. I get a fresh pair on and then WHAMO! I think about my friends Sunny and Lindsay and get so damned excited that I pee myself again.

I'm going through $1,000s in laundry detergent but I don't care. I am so over-the-moon crazy wild freak-out happy for them that I think I might be enjoying the peeing. Is that wrong?

Anyway, go over and congratulate the lovely ladies. I'm beyond thrilled for both Sunny and Lindsay!!!

After posting, I realized that my title might give a vague impression that I'm considering peeing on a stick. NO. There are no more sticks, no more tries, no more cycles, nothing. And, given that Kevin's been "fixed", there won't be any "surprises" either. So don't even let your mind ever go there while reading my blog. You'll never have to hold your breath when you open this page and wonder if you'll see an unexpected announcement. Not gonna happen. Not that we wouldn't be overjoyed, it's just not. gonna. happen.

A Cornucopia of Babblings

I haven’t posted in a million years so I’m just going to prattle on with a series of not-necessarily-related bullets…

• Thanksgiving was great. I am very, very sad to see my Dad, brother and niece go as they were wonderful houseguests and just damn fun to have around. I’m so lucky that I love my family! We spent a lot of time with my sister’s family (who live 30 minutes away) and my Mom (who is staying at my sister’s house). We ate turkey, we played Wii, we went bowling, we sat on Santa’s lap, we watched football, all that jazz. It was wonderful.


• Liam’s baptism is this coming Saturday. I just finished shuttling most of my family to the airport and we’ve got a half day break before the onslaught begins again and our house is filled to the brim with the next round of people.


• My brother and niece stayed 8 days, my Dad stayed 4 days, my Mom is still here (switching from my sister’s house to my house today) and her visit will total 17 days, my Great Aunt-in-law will be here on Thursday, my 2 brother-in-laws (with their families) along with my Mother- and Father-in-law will be here on Friday. SOMEDAY we will get our house back to ourselves.


• Megan was such a sweet, funny, well-behaved little girl while my family was here. I’m so proud of her. She only melted down twice and both episodes were in the evening on a day that we didn’t allow her to nap. Can’t blame the kid.


• On Halloween, we all went to bed healthy. When we woke up on November 1st, Megan, Liam and I had colds. None of us have fully recovered. That’s over a month, people! I’m sick of snot. Mine, Liam’s, and Megan’s. I think we are single-handedly keeping Kleenex in business.


• Megan had a double ear infection that cleared up with meds. Liam had a double ear infection that did NOT clear up with meds. So we tried another med. That worked, but within a week he got ANOTHER cold so thus another set of double ear infections. Now he’s on that 2nd med again, with the hopes that it clears up again and we don’t need to move on to a 3rd med and/or visit the ENT to discuss tubes.


• Megan has been sleeping like a rock star. For the FIRST TIME IN HER ENTIRE LIFE she slept until 9:15am the other day. It’s because she insisted that she was going to sleep as late as Tara (my 20 year old niece who was sleeping on the trundle bed in Megan’s room) and Tara routinely slept until noon while here. Oh, to be 20 again.


• Liam sleeps like complete shit. It’s unbelievable. We are doing everything “right” -- putting him down awake, letting him soothe himself to sleep, sticking to a schedule, having him sleep and nap in his crib, putting him to bed early (around 7pm), using a white noise machine, stopped using the pacifier (he only wanted to play with it anyway), not nursing or bottle feeding him to sleep. It doesn’t matter, nothing helps. He goes to sleep fine but won’t stay asleep. He naps 30 – 50 minutes at a stretch but needs so much more than that. At night he’ll stay asleep for 3 or 4 hours in that first stretch, but it’s all downhill after that. He’s not hungry, he’s not cold, he’s not hot, I don’t know what the fuck is wrong. We hear him wake up about once an hour, but often he just puts himself back to sleep. Other times, he can’t (or won’t) do it. We did the cry it out thing at 4 months to let him teach himself how to go to sleep and it worked. But he won’t STAY asleep. Something has to give soon. Any and all advice is welcomed.


• Many of you will have your fingers poised over the keyboard to comment and say he’s probably sleeping like shit because he has had a cold and/or ear infection for well over a month. While this is no doubt true, he’s slept shitty like this since he was 3 or 4 weeks old. He just sucks as sleeping. Luckily, he’s such a pleasant baby otherwise, so that makes it a little easier to take. But I am tired. So, so tired.


• I can literally count on 2 hands the number of times that I have slept more than 6 hours in a row in the last 5 years. FIVE YEARS PEOPLE! I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. I’m too tired to kid around about that. I wonder what kind of toll this type of outrageously abusive sleep deprivation will have on my long-term health.


• I’m so tired. Have I mentioned that already? Tired to my bones. Within 20 minutes of waking up, my eyes are so slimed over with sleep and yuck that I feel like I just dig at them all day long. I yawn until my eyes water so badly that people keep asking if I’m crying. I got to Liam’s doctor appointment 15 minutes early yesterday and he was asleep in the back set. I sat in the car in the parking lot and closed my eyes for a little rest. I woke up 20 minutes later with drool running down my face. That’s not cool.


• Kevin finally got a job. He was out of work for 2 months. He started last week and seems to like it. Hopefully he doesn’t turn into the raging dickwad he became once he let work consume him at that last hellhole where he worked.


• This Christmas is going to rock. Megan really, really gets it. Unfortunately, that also means she wants everything – everything she sees in a catalog, everything she sees in a store, everything, everywhere. Despite the fact we are now back to being a dual income family (see the “Kevin finally got a job” bullet above), this child needs NOTHING.


• I have achieved 3 major milestones that my infertile little heart has longed for year after year after year after year:
  1) We had a family picture taken this year – me, my husband and my two kids. It still blows me away to say that: “my two kids.” Bliss.
  2) I had a friend embroider our names onto our Christmas stockings. We bought these 4 Christmas stockings when I was pregnant with Megan and have been holding on to them for nearly 5 years now. I’m so excited to pick them up later this week and get them hung on the fireplace that I’m giddy.
  3) We are buying matching pajamas. Megan has been begging for matching family pajamas for months now so I got them over the weekend. I am not sure that I’ll let anyone see us in them so there may not be photographic evidence of it, but I can’t wait to wear them and sit on the floor as a family, playing with Christmas toys. We decided that “Santa” is going to give them to the family so we can’t wear them for Christmas morning, but it will still be loads of fun.


• I am fatter than hell. Weight Watchers helped me lose about 5 pounds but I went completely berserk in the last 2 weeks and gained every bit of it back. I feel wretched about myself. Add to this that the bags under my eyes could be considered a full 5 piece set of luggage and you have one skanky looking chick. One skanky looking, haggard, fat chick.


• I am planning to try the elimination diet. Why? See the “I am fatter than hell” bullet and the “Liam sleeps like complete shit” bullet above. I don’t necessarily think that he’s got serious allergy issues, but with the reflux, the spitting up, the eczema, and the horrific sleeping, I have to assume *something* is going on. Since I need to throw a bucket of ice water on the steamy, hot love affair I have with food – ALL FOOD – I figure that the elimination diet will kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Wish me luck. I’m not trying it until after the holidays because that’s just emotional suicide otherwise.


• I am DONE with Christmas shopping. DONE. Can you believe it? I was out at Toys R Us at 4:50am on Black Friday with my niece. I’ve never done that before, but it was fun. I’ve even already purchased the gift for my Braces Bunch Secret Santa person and will ship it out on Wednesday. Yeah, I rock.


• The TOOTPU Cookie Exchange is coming up soon. I can’t wait. I can’t wait, I can’t wait, I can’t wait. Wahoo! I just saw some of the lovely ladies at Lindsay’s Paper Pregnant Party and am truly looking forward to seeing them again.


• Want to know what’s on my Christmas list this year?
  1) Sleep. Lots of it. Not gonna magically happen, but a girl can hope…
  2) Time. Can someone bottle it up for me?
  3) A magic weight loss pill.
  4) A self-cleaning basement.


• My blog colors were getting on my nerves. (Did I also mention I'm enjoying my 2nd visit from AF?) So I changed them, but I don't like them either. However, they will do for now. Blogger has shitty color choices but I'm waaaaay too lazy to change to another blogging tool now.

An extra gold star for you if you stuck with me to the end of this crazy long post!