Thursday, December 18, 2008


Two thousand four hundred and eighty two. That's a big number.

The number of BFNs we endured to make our children? Nope.
The number of injections I endured to make our children? Possibly.
The number of crack whores who get pregnant every day by mistake? Nope.
The number of wasted birth control pills I took over the years? Possibly.
The number of times I've cried over a situation related to IF? Possibly.
The number of times I've laughed out loud at Alexa's blog? Probably.
The number of times I've thanked God and my lucky stars for my children? Possibly.

So what is it?

A portion of number of ounces of breastmilk I've frozen in the last 6 months. Impressive, no? If I'm tallying correctly, I've actually frozen over 2,600 ounces because I've been defrosting and starting to use it over the last 2 months.

But what is with the 2,482? It's the number of ounces of frozen breastmilk that I just threw away. Yes, you read that right. Threw it right the hell away. Shocking, I know.

It seems I make an excess of the enzyme lipase. I wasn't savvy enough to scald my milk prior to freezing it, so it caused my milk to become rancid in the freezer. My reaction to figuring this out? "Well, fuck me." Liam's reaction to being fed the gross milk? "Um, no thanks."

It sucks that I spent that much time pumping. It sucks that I spent that much money on breastmilk bags. It sucks that I was planning to quit breastfeeding this month and now that ain't gonna happen.

Mostly it sucks because breastfeeding was my One Thing. I am a near failure at getting pregnant, I am a near failure at staying pregnant, and I am a near failure at labor & delivery. But I've always puffed my chest up with pride that I am A Cow. I can make some milk. Copious amounts with nearly no effort. Now, that One Thing That I Do Well is tainted.

I understand that breastfeeding challenges and breastmilk supply issues are practically the norm, so I've shied away from discussing them much on this blog because I couldn't live with myself if someone felt I was gloating in any way. But the ceremonial dumping of nearly 20 gallons of milk makes me yearn for some sympathy.

If you'd rather say "screw you and your freakish lactation abilities, Leah" I understand. Otherwise, please just leave a "dang, that sucks" comment so I can feel that proverbial warm hug from my blog buddies. thanks!


Fertilized said...

Oh Jesus - that sucks doesn ot even come close to what i feel for you right now. That is awful. Leah I am so sorry. I know how hard it is to pump/feed and all the bsthat goes along with this choice.. Shit I am sorry

seussgirl said...

Dang, that REALLY REALLY sucks! I cried when I lost 7 oz due to bleeding while pumping; I cannot fathom having to dump all that milk. I am so so sorry.

Delenn said...

I have learned something new today. As someone who has never been able to stockpile my milk--I salute you--even if you went rancid! :-)

Hope said...

Oh... that sucks! Pumping is such hard work and it just kills you to have it thrown away. I'm just jealous that you can produce so much!

Sky said...

Leah, the titles of your posts are KILLING ME! :) Despite you having stated otherwise, I keep thinking, OMG, she's pregnant, woo hoo! and 2,482 is some beta! Are they triplets?

But I like it actually; keeps me on my toes.

Next headline will be "sore boobs" and I'll jump over to read again. definitely have a brain for advertising! :)

Shelby said...

That seriously SUCKS! Talk about a lot of milk! Pumping is rough to begin with (or at least for me it was). To endure that, and then have to toss it just isn't fair at all. Lots of hugs!

serenity said...

Oh damn.

I cried when I dropped a 4oz bottle.

That sucks a LOT. Like having to throw away gold.


LJ said...

That definitely sucks! Blech.

Grad3 said...

Sooo been there. Actually, I haven't emptied out my freezer yet so you are still a step ahead of me!

Portia P said...

Oh - i'm so sorry.

I spilt a couple of ounces and cried as I mopped it off the kitchen floor, so I know JUST how you feel. It takes such a lot to make it, it truly sucks to lose it.

I'm not sure i've freezer space for that much milk!


Lollipop Goldstein said...

Babe, I would be crying CRYING if I had to dump that much work. I'm so sorry.

Meghan said...

Oh Leah, that way more than sucks. I'd be near hysterical over having to dump that much. All that work, I'm so sorry.

If it makes you feel better at all, I think you sent some of your lactating mojo my way. My supply was totally in the toilet and then after one pumping session at your house and things are flowing like crazy, I can't keep up!

but I'm sorry about all that milk ;(

TeamWinks said...

Man oh man, that does suck!

Hez said...

Oh, crap. I was upset a few months ago at throwing away 20 ounces because the power was out for a few days. I am SO sorry this has happened. I pumped while working for my first, and I very, very much understand what it took for you to create such an amazing freezer stash.

Sending hugs.

Kami said...

That sucks! I have managed to pump about a tablespoon. Ok, I haven't tried that hard, but I think I can imagine what it would take to pump 20 gallons. OH. MY. GOD

Call me naive, but why would you prefer to save up rather then just keep breastfeeding?

Geohde said...

That does suck (no pun intended), and I am sorry.

Yes, I am jealous that your tits work as designed, but heck- as you point out when you find out that getting knocked up ain't going to happen in your bedroom,having SOMETHING that works as planned is a big deal,



astral said...

That sucks big time. I had to throw away some frozen breast milk and that hurt. But to throw away that much is not right--sorry!!

Christy said...

Oh I'm just ready to cry for you and I can't even fully feel the depth of your pain since I've never even gotten far enough along to need to produce milk. This just sucks great big bags of suckage. So sorry . . .

Antigone said...

I'm sorry. I know wastage of that magnitude had to be just awful. But hey...more room for frozen pizza right?

Bean said...

Oh my oh my, that really sucks. I'm so sorry. I've never even heard of scalding breast milk before freezing. Like you, it seems to be the one thing my body does well. After my daughter was born we actually had to buy a freezer for the basement to hold all the milk. Anyway, I'll be doing a little extra research this time around. Soooo sorry, that just stinks!

nancy said...

omg - that sucks SO BAD!