Monday, July 9, 2007

Ovarian Carpeting

My body is rebelling. I still haven't ovulated. It's CD 21. At the risk of offending my much-loved sistas with PCOS, I have to say that I *always* ALWAYS ovulate on CD15. It's the one thing I do well, my Claim to Fame. I suck at everything else related to babymaking, but you could set a train schedule by my ovulation. Shit lot of good it's done me over the years, but at least something -- ANYTHING -- in this crazy nightmarish situation was constant. Not anymore. What in the sam hill is going on?

Did my ovaries hear that I'm planning to attack them again? Are they hiding, shaking, quivering under little blankets in there? Mewling like kittens, pleading and begging for me to please, oh please, just leave them the hell alone? (I couldn't blame them, you know.) Regardless, too damn bad. Get out here and put up your dukes! We've got shit to do, babies to make, and you're burnin' daylight. Do you fools think that my eggs aren't jumping off the cliff at a rate of 2 zillion a day or something? Because they ARE! Shake a leg, will ya? Soon it's going to echo so badly in my ovaries that we'll need to put down carpeting to dampen the noise.

At first it was cute. I'd pee in a cup, then dip my nifty little OPK in there and wait for my lines to appear. After the first couple of days of vast whiteness where the second line is supposed to be, I'd cajole the LH surge like we were playing hide-and-seek: "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" That got old quick. Now I stamp my feet and ask just where in the hell everyone is, and why have they deserted me?

Is there a party that no one told me about? Probably. And it's most likely stocked with delicious food, skinny people, and lots of pregnant women who want to rub their bellies and laugh about delightful surprise conceptions. Please shoot me.

All I'm trying to do here is pull off a miracle -- the urban legend non-assisted-cycle conception. Is that too much to ask? Okay, that's pretty ridiculous, but a girl can dream, you know. Short of that lightning strike on top of a winning lottery ticket on top of a flying pig scenario, can I just get AF to show up? I need to get my Last Cycle on it's way. The big, bold, exciting sendoff known as the (never to be seen again) Leah Egg Cycle.

I've considered punching myself squarely in the abdomen. Maybe I'd pummel an ovary, maybe my uterus. They all suck at their jobs anyway, so it's not like I'm really going to make anything worse down there. I know I sound pretty glib about this, trying to make it amusing and all, but that's my coping mechanism. Otherwise, I'd be curled into a useless ball in the corner bemoaning my rapidly approaching Completely Barren status.

I didn't think that I could be more disappointed in my body, my reproductive tract, myself. But I am. Thank you, IF, for showing me new lows. Thanks a whole helluva lot. You suck.

16 comments:

Waiting Amy said...

The one thing you can count on with IF is that you can't count on anything. I'm SOOO sorry your ovaries are playing tricks on you. Mine did last month too. They are naughty little things and deserve the switch (or belt or whatever instrument of torture you desire).

Seriously though, I'll try to send AF's sister O a note to shake her booty and get on over to your place and move this cycle along. Thinking of ya lots!

Inconceivable said...

Curve Balls - SERIOULSY, DOesn't our bodies know we suffer enough - FOR PETE's SAKE !!

Tam said...

This IF stuff is shite, I really feel for you because I feel exactly the same way. Not sure what's happening down yonder either but I haven't been doing OPK's, maybe I should check my temp in the morning...

Hope those ovaries come to the party soon, you never know...there seem to be loads of miracles floating around blogland at the mo, this might just be it :)

Thinking of you...

LJ said...

Seriously, what the fuck, ovaries? I mean, my ovaries, they fire MAYBE 4x a year. But don't fuck with Leah, she'll kick your ass. Then she'll play nice with the liver if you don't. Then you'll be sorry.

Waiting Amy said...

Okay, I already commented on your post, but I have to tell you -- your comment on my post made me laugh! Thanks because I really needed it as DH and I then had a fight last night (perfect right!)

Anyway I LOVED the MC Hammer reference!! It took me back to when he did a half-time show at our college football game. Too funny.

I don't think you are a stalker (or maybe I just like the attention), and I linked my gmail account to my profile, so stalk away!cain2bad

grad3 said...

Don't worry about us with PCOS, we don't know what to do when we do ovulate on our own... :)

Sorry you ovaries suck... kindly tell one of them to step down and let the other o, it's the polite thing to do after all!!

Rho said...

What in the world is going on! I think I stole your ovulation, I am sorry. I seriously had enough EWCM last week to share....gross! How does one person go from calendar perfect ovulation to where the hell are you and another person go from anovulatory to take that mess? grrrr...

Shelby said...

WTF?? Why is it that when you want things to work as they usually do, they decide to do something different. I hope they cooperate soon!!

Reproductive Jeans said...

The body is a tricky tricky thing--esp the reproductive parts!! Ugg, I am so sorry you are dealing with this frustration--and I think I actually have punched my baby maker before when it wasnt doing what I wanted! Ooo the things we do!

Kate said...

I'm so sorry. Stupid ovaries.

Lea Bee said...

ugh!!! of course those ovaries are holding back this cycle. silly us for not realizing they would.

and all that concieving baby at home...total urban myth.

(((leah)))

Changing Expectations said...

IF sucks, ovulation not on time sucks, everything about it just sucks.

Hang in there, I am thinking about you.

Sticky Bun said...

Ugh, I'm so sorry. Waiting Amy is so right--the one thing to count on is that you can't count on anything.

Hang in there... Thinking of you.

Princess Peach said...

Ovaries can be so uncooperative; they're a bit temperamental. good luck and don't punch yourself!

Sunny Jenny said...

Too funny! "I'm trying to do here is pull off a miracle -- the urban legend non-assisted-cycle conception" - me too! Even though IVF #2 is all planned we're giving it one last try!

Pamela Jeanne said...

Hi Leah,
Saw your comment on Farah's blog and dropped by to catch up and send a little love your way We're all in this together...