Fat. Just plain fat.

Remember all those earlier posts about how I managed to avoid telling people I was pregnant for so long? How I am still measuring small by a week or so? How, up until even last week, people were still surprised to find out I was pregnant?

Ha. That makes me snort out loud with laughter.

I am fat. I mean gross fat. My belly isn't too bad. In fact, when I looked in the mirror last night, I could see my normal torso with a perfectly defined outline of where my uterus is. It's the rest of me that is fat.

I knew I started out this pregnancy heavier than with Megan. I knew that I looked like a cow in pictures (because I have a reverse distorted body image where I *think* I look thinner than I actually am). I knew I had to make a conscious effort to stretch out my double chin if I was stupid enough to get near a camera.

Nothing prepared me for today. I rarely ask for pictures to be taken of myself, but I asked someone to take a picture of me, Kevin and Megan today when we were all hanging out in the back yard. I got my hair cut on Monday -- cut over 9 inches off (to donate) -- and I swear I thought it somehow made my giant, pudgy face look thinner. How wrong I was.

My friend took our picture and I distinctly remember working hard to do my giraffe thing and stick my chin out to lengthen the blob that is my neck. Well, let me tell you what. When I transferred the picture from our camera to the computer, I gasped out loud. I look freakish. Truly, just God-awful.

I suppose there is nothing much I can do about it now. I would like to say that I am going to swear off all eating until I deliver, but that's just stupid. Mostly because that doesn't really make for a healthy Mom or healthy baby. But also because I am still in a constant state of either nausea or heartburn and the only thing (other than Zan.tac) that makes a dent is food.

So I graze. I try to be good and make healthy choices. I still have gained less than 20 lbs (which is okay at 30 weeks along), but I'm pretty sure that 90% of that weight is between my shoulders and my nose.

I feel so gross about myself right now that I struggled to leave the house today. I finally managed to make it out to Tar.get and I sincerely hoped that people would focus on my belly instead of my giant face which resembles a Macy.s Thanksgiving Day Parade float.* I even wore a shirt that was a little clingy (which I *never* do) to emphasize my belly in a diversionary tactic.

What could top the whole experience off? When my sister walked through the door this morning. Keep in mind that she knows I struggle with my weight. Also keep in mind that she and I rarely talk about pregnancy stuff because as a former IF victim and ART veteran who experienced 2 heartbreaking early miscarriages, she just doesn't get into pregnancy talk. Which is fine by me.

Anyway, she walked through the door this morning to the festivities and just about yelled, "WOW." She had a huge grin on her face, so I immediately thought, "Yay! I'm going to get some positive feedback about my hair!!" Instead she said -- very loud, which is unlike her -- "You are SO PREGNANT." It came out sounding something like, "You should be starring in your own show at Sea.World since you are so goddamn fat." There were about 8 other people here at the time and I swear you could hear a pin drop.

I was truthfully more bummed that I didn't score a hair compliment. But after I gazed at the FatFace picture later in the day, that episode just underscored how gross I really look. Meanwhile, my sister was so devastated that she apologized about 98 times while she was here and even called on her way home to apologize again. I really wasn't offended, and the fact that she acknowledged the pregnancy at all is actually a compliment.

So there is clearly no point to this post. Except to say that I am fat. Gross and fat. And I will not, under any circumstances, allow one more picture to be taken of me until well after I deliver and shed about 2,000 lbs. I just hope my fellow members of TOOTPU don't gasp, point, stare and snicker when they see me tomorrow at our monthly get together. I'll be the one drinking water while eating plain iceberg lettuce and lemon slices for lunch. Ugh.

* Just to be clear -- I'm not swollen anywhere else, so this isn't a medical condition. No preeclampsia or high blood pressure or other such acceptable reason for swelling. Just plain ol' fat.