Saturday, March 15, 2008

Fat. Just plain fat.

Remember all those earlier posts about how I managed to avoid telling people I was pregnant for so long? How I am still measuring small by a week or so? How, up until even last week, people were still surprised to find out I was pregnant?

Ha. That makes me snort out loud with laughter.

I am fat. I mean gross fat. My belly isn't too bad. In fact, when I looked in the mirror last night, I could see my normal torso with a perfectly defined outline of where my uterus is. It's the rest of me that is fat.

I knew I started out this pregnancy heavier than with Megan. I knew that I looked like a cow in pictures (because I have a reverse distorted body image where I *think* I look thinner than I actually am). I knew I had to make a conscious effort to stretch out my double chin if I was stupid enough to get near a camera.

Nothing prepared me for today. I rarely ask for pictures to be taken of myself, but I asked someone to take a picture of me, Kevin and Megan today when we were all hanging out in the back yard. I got my hair cut on Monday -- cut over 9 inches off (to donate) -- and I swear I thought it somehow made my giant, pudgy face look thinner. How wrong I was.

My friend took our picture and I distinctly remember working hard to do my giraffe thing and stick my chin out to lengthen the blob that is my neck. Well, let me tell you what. When I transferred the picture from our camera to the computer, I gasped out loud. I look freakish. Truly, just God-awful.

I suppose there is nothing much I can do about it now. I would like to say that I am going to swear off all eating until I deliver, but that's just stupid. Mostly because that doesn't really make for a healthy Mom or healthy baby. But also because I am still in a constant state of either nausea or heartburn and the only thing (other than Zan.tac) that makes a dent is food.

So I graze. I try to be good and make healthy choices. I still have gained less than 20 lbs (which is okay at 30 weeks along), but I'm pretty sure that 90% of that weight is between my shoulders and my nose.

I feel so gross about myself right now that I struggled to leave the house today. I finally managed to make it out to Tar.get and I sincerely hoped that people would focus on my belly instead of my giant face which resembles a Macy.s Thanksgiving Day Parade float.* I even wore a shirt that was a little clingy (which I *never* do) to emphasize my belly in a diversionary tactic.

What could top the whole experience off? When my sister walked through the door this morning. Keep in mind that she knows I struggle with my weight. Also keep in mind that she and I rarely talk about pregnancy stuff because as a former IF victim and ART veteran who experienced 2 heartbreaking early miscarriages, she just doesn't get into pregnancy talk. Which is fine by me.

Anyway, she walked through the door this morning to the festivities and just about yelled, "WOW." She had a huge grin on her face, so I immediately thought, "Yay! I'm going to get some positive feedback about my hair!!" Instead she said -- very loud, which is unlike her -- "You are SO PREGNANT." It came out sounding something like, "You should be starring in your own show at Sea.World since you are so goddamn fat." There were about 8 other people here at the time and I swear you could hear a pin drop.

I was truthfully more bummed that I didn't score a hair compliment. But after I gazed at the FatFace picture later in the day, that episode just underscored how gross I really look. Meanwhile, my sister was so devastated that she apologized about 98 times while she was here and even called on her way home to apologize again. I really wasn't offended, and the fact that she acknowledged the pregnancy at all is actually a compliment.

So there is clearly no point to this post. Except to say that I am fat. Gross and fat. And I will not, under any circumstances, allow one more picture to be taken of me until well after I deliver and shed about 2,000 lbs. I just hope my fellow members of TOOTPU don't gasp, point, stare and snicker when they see me tomorrow at our monthly get together. I'll be the one drinking water while eating plain iceberg lettuce and lemon slices for lunch. Ugh.

* Just to be clear -- I'm not swollen anywhere else, so this isn't a medical condition. No preeclampsia or high blood pressure or other such acceptable reason for swelling. Just plain ol' fat.


Kim said...

I think that you need to go do something that will make you feel good about yourself. How about getting a makeup makeover at a department store? Or a facial?

I felt and looked like a pig when I was pregnant with B, and I also didn't want any pictures taken... and ya know what, I kind of wish that I did now... I wouldn't put them up on the mantel or anything, but I have very little memory of what she looked like inside of me, ya know? This time, I don't look pregnant at all, really. Probably because I'm so used to sucking my stomach in... haha. So, again, I just feel fat... even though I'm 20 pounds smaller then I was with B.

So this time, I'm going to get some maternity pictures done... and maybe they'll have to do a ton of editing and play with lighting... but they can literally work magic. Because I don't want to look back and wish that I could remember what Boogie Bean looked like inside of me.

Meghan said...

I refuse to believe you. In fact, I'm calling you a liar right on your own blog! True, I haven't seen you since January but you looked so fantastic then. I'm betting you look even more fantastically beautiful now.

(and I always think my face looks fat after a haircut...which is why I stopped cutting it;)

Sunny said...

Shut up you crazy girl! I can't wait to see your beautiful face and belly!

Waiting Amy said...

I wish I could be at the next TOOPU meeting ... so I could tell you how beautiful you look.

But I do know what you mean, when I looked at pics from my baby shower for J I was totally shocked at how my face looked. But it is all worth it.

Rho said...

I'd still do you ;) Start standing next to our other pal more often, then you will feel slim and trim....but you did not start out as a cow and do not look like one now. OH - I can not wait to see your hair on our date in April!!

Bean said...

Meghan's right, you are a liar! And I should know since I JUST saw you at the TOOTPU gathering earlier today. Nevertheless, you're post had me laughing out loud, so thanks for the laughs. The comment about 90% being between your shoulders and your nose had me rolling. You are not fat and you most certainly don't look like you belong at Sea World, but you are one damn funny lady and I'm glad to know you! ;)

deanna said...

I can't wait to see your new haircut! I'm sure it's wonderful, and I really admire your courage. Nine inches is a big change, and donating it makes it all the more amazing. Plus, think of how much more comfortable you will be once the weather warms up.

And, cut yourself some slack, darlin! You're a healthy mom-to-be! Twenty pounds sounds exactly in line with what I've read, so it sounds like you're right where you should be.

Grad3 said...

I have stretch marks and rolls around me knees- so I am going to get my hair cut so I can try to feel a little prettier. We'll see how that goes.

I don't know of my sharing that makes you feel better- just know that you aren't alone in your feeling! (Although I bet secretly you look wonderful :)

Lea Bee said...

leah, lots of love to you and your beautiful, radiant goddess self.

and i'd also like to say that a "friend" of mine told me i looked disheveled today, in a room full of people. it is true that showering truly exhausts me but i hadn't realized it had gotten that bad...

OTOH, people can go eff themselves if they are going to make comments like that.

LJ said...

I think you looked positively gorgeous the other day - especially with the new 'do. So there.

Kami said...

I blame it on hormones! Not that they are making you pudgier looking - but that they are making you see yourself differently.

I have gained 31 pounds and nearly 18 weeks. I know I have gained weight - my thighs have gone from 24" to 25.5". Some days I can look at my face and be happy with it (even though it always looks much more chunky than it used to) and some days I think I look horrible. My face isn't changing, my perception of it is.

Hang in there! You ARE beautiful just the way you are!

Chris said...

Oh I'm sure that you are just as beautiful on the outside as you are on the inside. I was really hoping that you would share the picture so that we can see your new hairstyle. Can you be bribed?

Newt said...

The camera adds ten pounds, and is notoriously merciless toward chins. Trust your friends. You're radiant with child.

Karen said...

The last time I saw you, I thought you looked beautiful. So STFU! :)

MoonNStarMommy said...

I know the feeling :( I feel the same way... trust me...

I weigh as much as I did with my 2nd pregnancy... but I'm not as BIG (go figure) ... and when I had lost the 50 lbs that I have now gained back... between the lovely italian that loves to cook and the pregnancy with Nathan... I am now starting out this pregnancy at a weight I am not happy with at all... I am very much NOT into taking pictures like I did with Nathan... and I don't feel pregnant I just feel fat.... but I have the reverse problem... me, I see myself as bigger then I am.

MoonNStarMommy said...

awwwwww friends are great - internet ones, or RL friends... we grow so close.