Thursday, April 17, 2008

'Twas the Night Before Transfer...

I guess this is what you do when you have nothing but time to lounge around and think. You make up outrageously long poems about your IF journey. Hope you like it...

--------------------------------------------------------
'Twas the night before transfer and all through the land
Stim needles were quiet, just PIO was in hand

The meds were laid out on the counter with care
In hopes that the Baby Fairy soon would be there

The vials, the saline, the needles and syringes
When I think of it now, every cell in me cringes

We’d made it through stimming, through retrieval and the sorts
We’d lived in daily fear of those fertilization reports

5 eggs, 4 fertilized, 3 are still going strong
I want them all back in my uterus where they belong

CM, IUI, IVF and OPK
MF, ICSI, AH and SA

6-cell, 8-cell, A-grade, and B-grade
The numbers, the education, the memories will not soon fade

But, alas, I’ve said too much, let us start at the start
With a tale we all know about the joys of ART

The boy and the girl, they are smitten, then wed
They jump, full of excitement, into the marital bed

“Let’s make a baby!” they exclaim with their unbridled joy
“What shall we have?" they ask "A girl or a boy?”

Off come the shirts, and off come the pants
Let’s get right down to it, let’s do the Baby Dance!

A few months go by, but it’s not a big deal
This just means more “practice” which they approach with some zeal

After a year, it gets old, it’s not exciting anymore
Sex is no longer fun, it’s nearly a chore

Is there a problem? Who knows? Is the problem with me?
I guess we’ll find out if we seek an RE

“Let’s run some tests. Let’s see what is what.”
Before we start jamming hormones into my gut

SA, FSH, then cycle day 3
Clomid challenge, lining check, then the awful HSG

“It’s good news! Nothing’s wrong! But to help you guys try
Let’s do this neat thing, we like to call it IUI.”

It’s a toe in the water, it’s like a pre-dinner taster
Some people liken it to a nice, easy turkey baster

We decide to do it, we wait for Aunt Flo
Just to jack with our heads, she decides not to show

Could it be? Could it be? Is fate on our side?
Are we an urban legend? From infertiles must I hide?

It is true, we are shocked. Both shocked and relieved.
No IUI for us, we had naturally conceived!

They were short lived, our dreams, of those chubby little cheeks
We lost our miracle baby right around 8 weeks

That Christmas, it sucked, a D&C on New Year’s Eve
Instead of toasting, we stayed home to grieve

We picked up the pieces, we continued to try
But after months of no luck, we again talked IUI

So we tried a few pills, we gave up some sperm
It couldn’t be worse than eating the tequila worm

We gave lots of blood, we said “Cost be damned!”
We visited the nice lady with the neat dildo cam

We stimmed, we triggered, we wished for vacation
Instead we spend cash on an insemination

We were hopeful, we were anxious, we were even optimistic
We perused the aisles of Target for just the right kind of pee stick

As an added bonus, I guess just for shits and for grins
I shoved Prometrium up myself, and dreamed of having twins

Alas, it was negative, this cycle was a huge bust
We were sad, we were angry, but we brushed off the dust

“It will work! It will work! Be patient!” They'd say
So we plodded along, each day after day

IUI 1, IUI 2, IUI 3 all a bummer
Nary I drink I enjoyed through all of that summer

I guess we move on, I guess we pull out the “big guns”
Let’s try this IVF stuff, let’s dig up the funds

Because surely THAT will work, I mean it’s the Last Stop
It’s just the thing we need to get us over the top

More tests, more money, and an injection class
I’m starting to feel like my heart is made of blown glass

But we press on, we are brave, we know this is right
We will have a new baby to keep us up all the night

In a sea of emotion, I was tossed to and fro
No way could I have made it through without IRL friend Rho

We entered IVF with our eyes big and wide
Refusing to let our baby dreams fall off to the side

I remember feeling stunned, overwhelmed and confused
When I got the list of meds that they said would be used

Did they say, “They are evil! They’ll kill the real Leah!” ?
Hell no, they made them sound like a great panacea

“These drugs will help you, these drugs will all work!”
The crying jags, the burst blood vessels, all perk after perk

The needles, the needles, the needles they came
I grew to both love and hate all my drug friends by name

On baby aspirin! On Follistim! On Menopur and Ganirelix!
Make my follies grow big! Work your ovarian tricks!

On Lupron! On estrace! On progesterone in oil!
To make these nice follies, oh that labor and toil!

IVF #1 was exciting for sure
For the sadness that ailed us, it simply must be the cure!

Like a crazed mad scientist, I would stir them up in a pot
I drew the line when Kevin asked to be called Sir Mix-a-lot

Oh Lupron, you Devil, how you batted those lashes
I forgot to say thank you for those wicked hot flashes

Oh Menopur, you whore, you stung like a bitch
If wealth was measured in tears, I’d be considered quite rich

Then came the monitoring, the dance with the wand
I loved the RE’s nurses, we formed quite a bond

But even they, my new friends, couldn’t hide what was true
I was limping along, making only a follie or two

High FSH, poor responder, diminished ovarian reserve
All bad, all disappointing, threw us both for a curve

None was helped by that damn Lupron, we couldn’t have guessed
That it worked all too well, I was over-suppressed

IVF 1 was a bust, but at least we could try
To convert to our old friend, the useless IUI

So that’s what we did, though we knew to our core
What would be the outcome of IUI #4

In the midst of it all, while we’re crying in our cup
My best friend hits the jackpot, she gets herself all knocked up

Now I get to watch in despair as her belly grows and grows
As she frets about whether to buy baseballs or more bows

I am unfazed, I am determined, I will get success
I’d sell my soul for a baby, I am sad to confess

We try it again, this time a different protocol
And pray that my ovaries want to dance at the ball

It is better, but not great, although we do learn with glee
That we have made it to transfer, let’s put back all three!

In they go, now lie down, in your bed take a rest
Try to resist taking a pregnancy test

Wait for beta, poke my boobs, analyze every twinge and cramp
I wish I could say I handled the 2WW like a champ

But I didn’t, I sucked, I was a giant ball of stress
I was hormonal, I was cranky, I was a big bitchy mess

I’d pass the time reading books and watching the telly
I’d map out constellations in needle pricks on my belly

Then, I caved, it’s true, I’m a real pee stick junkie
I was pacing the floor like a poor caged zoo monkey

Holy shit! Can it be? Did it actually work!
I see a line! I see a line! Then I turned with a jerk.

Hey Kevin! Come quickly! Do you see what I see?
Did it work on the first try? Can this really, truly be?

A beta confirmed it. Was this the end of our trouble?
What’s my progesterone? What’s my HSG? Would it actually double?

It’s OUR time! Happy day! The Gods don’t hate us after all
Looks like we’ll have a new baby in the Fall

Then it all fell apart, like it seemed to always do
Four weeks later we spiraled down into miscarriage #2

I was sad, I was weepy, I was in a real funk
I was sick and was tired of this bullshit IF junk

I got on the web, started looking for support
Other chicks with IF, RPL and the sort

And what to my wondering eyes should be seen?
But the infamous Mel and her site Stirrup Queens!

I dove in full force, devouring blog after blog
I slowly but surely came out of my fog

I found JJ, so lovely, she was great, I had a hunch
Even without my own blog, I joined the Braces Bunch

The cards and the letters, the postcards and notes
We were all in this together, all in similar boats

I felt so much support, so much understanding and love
Surely this blogging thing was sent straight from above

I started my blog, and began IVF #2
Surely THAT would work, surely now we were due

Wash, rinse, repeat, the same old steps we did take
IVF 2 was a flop, a loser, a flake

I made it through sane, somehow didn’t get crazy
Some days were happy, some other days hazy

I read blogs, and I laughed, I cried and tried to mend
I learned of new words from my internet friends

Blilt, Va-Jay-Jay, and Hoohaahooterus
Then I found the holy grail, the Order of the Plastic Uterus

The group of local ladies, we laugh til we snort
I love them, I need them, I crave their support

Our posse wouldn’t exist, we wouldn’t gather to this day
Without the amazing efforts of the lovely LJ

At this time, I was crushed, tired of spreading my legs
Didn’t want to keep trying, started talking donor eggs

I found blogs of others, like Lara and Kami
Who helped me sort through my feelings of being hit by a whammy

In the end, it was Kevin -- he said “Just one more go?”
“With your eggs, it may work, you just never know!”

So we begged and we borrowed, we dug through the trash
We pilfered and bartered and came up with the cash

Once again, we changed protocols, we hoped this would be best
Would it give us an outcome that was different from the rest?

Well it did, I am proud and so happy to say
I am still in shock to this very same day

For those of you still down in the deep IF trenches
Who feel they are watching the Baby Game from the benches

Don’t despair, don’t lose faith, don’t give up that hope
Lean on me, lean on God, whatever helps you to cope

It is dark, it is cruel, it’s the epitome of unfair
The heartache, the sorrow, often too much to bear

But know you are loved, and know this is true
On the night before transfer, remember that I do so love you

11 comments:

The Town Criers said...

I love you, my little nutjob. My little, burned out on bedrest nutjob.

This is very funny.

B said...

Leah, this was fantastic fantastic fantastic!! Very impressed with your poetic talents.

On a serious note, your poem made me think about my situation and any different protocol we might try...I have a suspicion I have been over surpressed in the past. Would you mind dropping me a quick email with the different protocols you tried? email is definitionofinsanity@hotmail.com.

Thanks

Jendeis said...

I heart you!

Hope that Meghan is getting along better with the whole bedrest thang.

Delenn said...

Way way cool! Love the poem!

Fertilized said...

Leah - FAHBULSOUS you genious you!

TeamWinks said...

Dang! You are having wwwwaaaayyy too much fun! ;-)

This was amazing!

My Reality said...

This is fantastic!

Lea Bee said...

that. is a fabulous poem

JJ said...

Wow, you are super creative! SO great! Im going to add this to the Christmas carols I sing every year;)

dmarie said...

Good grief that was freakin' awesome!

Aimee said...

Came upon this after searching for tips of what I should do before my transfer tomorrow. Love it! I too had a natural pregnancy that ended in miscarriage last year and tomorrow we will implant 2 embryos! Thanks for the laugh and encouragement!!