Feelin' Nice but Weird

Most importantly, let me say THANK YOU to everyone who has been so sweet and supportive with their comments. Starting this blog was a fantastic idea (thank you JJ!), it's helped me get the craziness out of my head at times, but even better is that it's allowed me to enjoy the unconditional, genuine support from friends who truly know exactly how I feel. Before I start sniffling and weeping, I just wanted to say that I luuuuuv you guys. Also, I've already started working on my Secret Odes because I have a few to write. Perhaps that's what's making me so misty.

Okay, with my random Hallmark moment out of the way, let's move on...

Here's the weird stuff going on with me, none of which is particularly good. First off, my boobs are not sore one bit. Nor are they big at all. I've been on progesterone supplements 6 times now, and the first 5 produced breast tenderness so severe that I didn't even walk fast for fear of getting tears in my eyes. This time, nothing. Nada. Zip.

On a scale of 1 - 10 (1 being so not-sore that they might be made of play-doh or something else which has no nerve endings, 10 being so sore that the wind blowing makes me wince), I'd say they are a 3. It's so weird. I even called the nurse at the REs office at one point to ask what the deal was. She said not to worry, that they have never seen a case of low progesterone when someone is doing PIO. I got the whole "every cycle is different" speech.

Seriously, if my ass didn't hurt so much when I sit, move or walk, I would think I was hallucinating the shots entirely. There is just no evidence at all that it's in there. Huh. In truth, I think the tenderness I do feel is due entirely to the fact that I poke my boobs about 300 times a day. Poor things.

Then there's the bloating. Last time, I was so outrageously bloated that I thought I'd have to wear a bathrobe all day every day. This time, almost nothing. It's hard to tell because I put back on the 4 lbs I lost on the Sou.th Be.ach Diet, so I'm not sure if it's bloating or just additional fat (great!). But my (fat) clothes still fit pretty much normal. What's up with that? What's funny is that when we decided to do this IVF bullshit again, I wasn't even dreading the monitoring or the stims or the shots or the retrieval or any of that stuff -- I was dreading the bloating after transfer. And I haven't really had any. Like I said, if my ass wasn't sore from the shots, I wouldn't even have any idea that I had done a cycle at all.

The one thing that is different is pooping. At the risk of providing WTMI (that's WAY Too Much Information), it feels like I stood on my head and let someone pour Quik Dri concrete in my behind. What in the hell is up with that? I need to make an effort not to walk around like a duck with my ass sticking out. That's not very cool.

So there you have it. No side effects from the meds, and no pregnancy symptoms. How can I possibly have any hope for this cycle? What's nice is that even though this is my last ever attempt to have a child biologically related to me, I'm not nearly as spazzed and stressed about it as I was the last few cycles.

Last time, I kept telling myself that it didn't do any good to be freaked out all the time, it wasn't going to change the outcome. I was instantly transported back to those feelings when I read H2H's post today. Even though those words sounded lovely and rational, I still couldn't control myself.

This time, I sort of actually believe it. I'm anxious and interested to see what the results are, but am not completely wrapped around the axle about it. Surely this could (and will) all change, but for now, approximately halfway through the 2ww, I'm kind of okay. Thank you, Zo.loft. :-)

I'm going to start the POAS festivities tomorrow. That's 10 days past retrieval. I know it's early, but I've seen people who got faint positives that early. So I'm buying a bunch of tests tonight and will commence peeing on them every day for the next week. I 'fessed up in advance and told Kevin I was going to do this, and he's okay with it. His parents are arriving tonight and staying through the weekend so it would be sweet to share some extremely preliminary good news with them. But we'll see. In truth, I think I'm actually a little numb about it all.

Mostly, it feels nice not to be in my usual state of sheer panic. But it also feels weird too. Not really sure what to make of it...