Thursday, June 14, 2007

Snow White's Evil Cousin: Stark White

Stark white. That's what was staring back at me where I hoped to see that darned second line today. I had no idea how much I thought it was actually going to be there until it wasn't. The rational side of me says that it could just be too early. However, the emotional side has already thrown in the towel, packed her bags, and purchased a one-way ticket out of IVFTown.

I was awake at 4:30am, so that's when I took the test. Like a dumbass, I stood there staring at it for a full 10 minutes. I don't even think I blinked. I was WILLING that line to appear. No such luck. I started to hallucinate, creating a completely non-existent line where the 2nd one is supposed to be -- because goodness knows I am well aware of *exactly* where that line should display. Not the faintest hint.

I can't remember whose blog it was that discussed looking for that line using the light of a thousand suns. But that's precisely what I was doing. Careening around the bathroom, drunk with fatigue, trying to get the damned pee stick into a position that would make it display a 2nd line. Heavy sigh.

After my "I'm OK, You're OK" post yesterday, of course I've now got some slightly sore boobs and a bit of bloating. Nice job jinxing yourself, Leah. But after today's POAS failure, I have to assume that these are simply signs of AFs impending arrival. Damn her.

Seriously, how can this be? How could we have put back 3 excellent quality embryos and not a damn one of them stuck? Geez, this really sucks. The good news is that I will now pour all of my hoping-for-BFP thoughts and prayers into the rest of you lovely ladies who are in the 2ww.

Because I am a glutton for punishment, I am going to take another test tomorrow. I bought a pack that had 4 of them so I will probably go ahead and use them all. But really, if I don't get a BFP by Saturday, then clearly the game is over. And then I'll be the one boo-hoo-hooing under the bleachers.


Bean said...

UGH -- I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'll rub my Buddha coin (a gift from a dear friend) for you and hope tomorrow's test shows a different result.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Oh Leah, dont give up yet!! It just not throw-towel-time=) I am going to be praying for you a lot over the next few day!

Inconceivable said...

I agree with JJ - it's not time to throw in the towel Yet... I will send my prayers upwards as well ;)

LJ said...

I've TOTALLY done that with the pee stick. Right down to imagining the line.

Sticky Bun said...

I'm so sorry. And I SO know what you mean about willing that line to appear. We've all been there.

I'll still be holding out hope for you, though. Hang in there.

Thinking of you...

Cibele said...

Oh Leah, I still hope that you get your BFP this cycle You will be on my prayers. Hugs and hang in there.

Sending you my love and support!

Tam said...

Oh darn!! I am praying that it's too early for that second line to appear :) That's why I hate those damn things!!

Hang in there, anything can happen, we are all proof of that!

Hugs xxx

Caro said...

I'm the other way. I avoid the stick until my period is late because as long as I don't pee on it I might still be pregnant.